Sookehverse: The Adventures of Derek Southman
by Miral
Summary: Everyone's favorite fanfic writers are at it again. Now they're writing original fiction. Uh-oh. WARNING: Highly Questionable Content. I mean it. Co-authored by SassyVampMama.
1. The Contest

**Disclaimer: Characters belong to Charlaine Harris. I just like to blend their realities.**

**This little piece of Sookehverse lunacy was inspired by the Saint Eric Competition. **

—

In a northwestern Louisiana living room, two friends sat side by side on a well-worn couch. Amelia, human with short brown hair, struggled to keep a laptop balanced on her lap. Pam, a vampire with long blond hair, was on the couch next to Amelia drinking a True Blood.

"Pam!" Amelia groused, agitated. "You've got to stop that!"

Overzealous in her desire to contribute to the story, Pam kept hovering over Amelia, causing the sofa to dip and the laptop to slide from Amelia's lap.

"Yes, well, you are typing too slow."

"I am not!" Amelia responded sharply. "Anyway, what do you think?"

"I still like broadsword."

"No, Pam! That sounds too…too…_violent_."

Pam rolled her eyes. "Of all the things about Eric, _that_ is not the thing one must fear."

Amelia giggled. Suddenly, she had an idea. "Oh I know, Pam!" Amelia nodded with excitement. "We'll call it the gracious plenty!"

"Yes!" Pam's eyes widened. "It is obviously a made-up term. It sounds like it is intended to be complimentary but it could be sarcastic! Type!"

Amelia typed.

"Smoldering blue eyes?" suggested Amelia.

"I prefer intense blue eyes," Pam replied.

"Smoldering, intense blue eyes!"

"Yes! Type!"

Amelia typed.

"Is he secretly cruel? Or a misunderstood anti-hero?"

"Who cares?" Pam said impatiently. "We need to get to the lemons! Type!"

Amelia typed.

_Three hours later…_

"Gee whiz, Pam," Amelia rubbed her eyes. "I think I need a break."

"You had one two hours ago."

"You let me get up to go the bathroom."

"Humans," Pam rolled her eyes.

A short while later, Sookie Stackhouse, arrived home from her shift waiting tables at Merlotte's Bar and Grill. Not surprised to see Pam's Lexus parked in her driveway, Sookie called out a friendly "Hello" as she made her way into the living room.

"Hey, you two." Smiling, Sookie warmly greeted her two friends. "What're you up to?"

Amelia and Pam exchanged a guilty look.

"Well, there's an online contest to write original fiction— not fanfiction and Pam and I decided to collaborate and submit something."

"Amelia! That's terrific! You and Pam have been writing this stuff for months. I knew you'd want to write something original at some point. Do you know what you're going to write about?"

"We, _Pamelia_," Pam paused, a smug look on her face, "are going to write about a 1,000-year old vampire named Derek Southman."

Sookie, startled, looked back and forth between her two friends.

"What?"

"That's right, Sookie," Amelia nodded. "They always say 'write what you know.' So Pam figures—you know, since she's known Eric—" Amelia threw a questioning look at Pam, "...what? Like 200? 210 years?"

"Yes, something like that."

"We figured we'd write about him."

"Oh." Sookie, far from thrilled with this, bit her lip. "What have you got so far?" she asked apprehensively.

"He is a former Viking."

"Yeah," Sookie's tone was full of wariness. "What else?"

"Oh! He's sex on a stick. Gorgeous. Brilliant."

"He is never wrong," Pam added.

"Never wrong, huh?" Sookie, perplexed, turned to Pam. "Didn't you think he was completely wrong in his assessment of the DeCastro/Madden thing?"

Pam shrugged. "Doesn't matter."

"Yeah, Sook," Amelia agreed. "Some folks have a reputation for being right all the time, it doesn't matter when they're wrong. They're beyond reproach."

"Yes, look at your former American vice president and his hidden weapons of mass destruction," Pam added.

Sookie shook her head. "Honestly, I try to forget about him. In fact, if I could be glamoured, he's on my list. Along with that HBO show everyone's all ramped up about. Anyway," Sookie continued, "so, Eric— or Derek—is gorgeous and right in every way? What else is he?"

"He's the ultimate in Machiavellian orchestrators. A master of control, he is large and in-charge." Pam announced with more than a little theatrical flair.

"_What_?" Sookie's eyes flew open. "Seriously?"

"Well, yeah, Sook." Amelia nodded. "That's our story summary! You gotta come up with something good for the blurb. To grab folks!" Amelia made a punching motion with her hand.

"Yes, Sookie," Pam agreed. "Otherwise no one will read it."

"Okay, so that's your summary. But is that seriously what the story is about? Eric being "all large and in-charge"? What about when his maker was here? Pam, you _saw_ what that was like! Eric was a _total mess _when Appius and Alexei were here!"

"Sookie, I do not appreciate your tone. What is your point?"

_"My point is I had to tell him to grow a pair and get on with it!"_

"Sookie, I do not remember it quite that way."

Sookie, incredulous, was catching flies.

"What are you saying? I just reread—" she paused. _What the heck did I just reread_? she wondered. _Oh, yeah_. "I just reread the last few pages of my journal from when Appius and Alexei were in town. Eric was completely emasculated! He didn't know up from down! Machiavellian orchestrator? I don't think he could've maneuvered a light switch without me!"

Amelia and Pam exchanged a meaningful look.

"See? I told you." Amelia nodded to Pam, who responded by throwing a thoughtful look at Sookie. "Somebody's jealous." Amelia said this in a singsong tone.

"I am _not_ jealous!" Sookie sputtered angrily.

"Sookie, do not worry," Pam told her. "We can add you into the story as the girlfriend."

"Yeah, Sook." Amelia smiled. "I've got the perfect name for you, too. 'Cookie Crackhouse.'"

"_What_?" Shocked, Sookie's mouth was again a gaping hole. "That," she hissed angrily, "is not even a name, _Amelia_ _Broadway_."

"Hey! What crawled up your ass and died?" Amelia retorted.

Pam raised an eyebrow at Amelia's comment.

"Sorry, Pam," muttered Amelia. "No offense."

"I accept your apology, Amelia," Pam nodded, smiling.

"That is so _not_ a good name for me," Sookie repeated huffily. "What else is going in this...this insane ode to Eric?"

"Well," Amelia answered, "he's kind and gentle—"

"Kind and gentle? What the hell are you on?" Sookie shook her head disbelievingly. "What are you basing this on?"

"He is good to children, the elderly, and those who are different," Pam clarified.

Sookie let out an angry snort. "Yeah? Did I miss something? Is Eric volunteering at a soup kitchen or something?"

"He was good to your young cousin when he visited your home." Pam pointed out.

"He didn't hurt him! That's all! Don't think for a minute its not lost on me that I must not be living right 'cos I regard the fact that my boyfriend didn't _**eat**_ my little cousin as cause for celebration. Next. Elderly?"

"He is respectful towards Niall—"

"_You've got to be kidding_! He sneered at Niall and called him 'Fairy' the last time they were in the same room together! As for me? Again! Relieved he didn't _**eat**_ my great grandfather! As for those who are 'different'? Eric hates Sam. Eric hates Alcide. Eric hates Quinn. All you vampires —including Eric— hate all shifters and weres. You all can't stand humans unless we're supes like you!"

Pam stared at Sookie. "Sookie, you say this like it's a bad thing."

Frustrated, Sookie growled.

"Who are these different folks that he's good to?"

Pam, falling silent, appeared to consider the matter. "He has not issued any threats to tourists in at least a month."

"Mid-westerners? You're talking about mid-westerners?"

Incensed, Sookie screamed in frustration. She wasn't done though. Not by a long shot.

"Who the hell tricks a girl into marrying them? Huh? What about that!"

"Well, what girl would be stupid enough to push Eric Northman into a corner so that he thought he had no choice but to trick her?"

So surprised by Amelia's comment, Sookie's eyes widened to saucers. All she could manage was a breathless, "_What_?"

"Well, it's _true_!" Amelia responded.

"Sookie, so many women trick and conspire to get men to propose. You would have fought Eric tooth and nail had he proposed in some," Pam's nose turned up derisively, "humanesque fashion. He did what was necessary."

"Well, I already had the blood bond thing going! Geez, how many different forms of slavery do I need to be beholden to him under? For crying out loud, we're still not married in any way that'll leave me entitled to any of his stuff or health benefits or anything!"

"What? You seek these things? I will take care of it tomorrow."

"No, Pam! That's not the point." Sookie paused. _What the heck was the point? Oh, yeah_. "All these things are his things. Your things. Your vampire ways. They're not anything I relate to."

"I see," Pam nodded. "I have been remiss. I should have instructed Eric sooner. I will bring him to the mall in Monroe tomorrow evening. We will go to Kay Jewelers and buy you an engagement ring and a wedding band."

Sookie, exhausted, glanced to the heavens.

"No, no. You don't have to do that," she sighed. "It's just makes it hard to trust him sometimes. You know I think he pretends not to know stuff just to drive me nuts. Like he doesn't understand certain words and I've got to explain them—"

"Maybe he doesn't know them," Pam reasoned.

"Please, Pam! I fell for that once. Twice. Probably even three times. But uh-uh. No more. Also, he has no idea that he's supposed to hang towels and put his clothes away when he's here, but at his place I'm not even allowed to keep my shoes on!"

"Those hardwoods were very expensive, Sookie. I know. I helped him pick them out."

With a loud sigh of frustration, Sookie decided to just leave her two friends to their activity.

"That's it! I've had it! Cookie Crackhouse is going to bed!"

"Don't worry, Sook! We'll fix things up for you!"

"Yes, Sookie. Cookie will be very compliant and things will be much easier for her."

"Yeah, Sook. Then you can read it and it'll help you figure stuff out. You'll see."

"You _shall_ see," Pam nodded. "Eric has even agreed to beta it for us."

**AN: Hmmm. Honestly I'm not sure WTF this is. The wonderful moxiemo suggested I continue and actually have Eric beta it. This started out as a oneshot but I like fic-crazed Pamelia so...**


	2. The Beta

**Disclaimer: Characters belong to Charlaine Harris. I just like to blend their realities.**

**This little piece of Sookehverse lunacy was inspired by the Saint Eric Contest. **

* * *

Pam had already been waiting for a few moments outside the office when her friend joined her.

"Hey Pam," Amelia smiled. "Did you knock?"

Pam gave Amelia a bemused look. _Humans._

"Eric knows I am standing here. I was waiting on you to make our entrance."

"Oh!" Amelia was flustered. _I always forget about the vamp hearing! _ "Well, let's do this then."

Pam nodded and swung open the door.

"Eric?"

"Pam." Eric glanced up from his desk.

"We are here to receive your appraisal of our fic."

"Yeah, Eric," Amelia nodded. "Thank you so much for agreeing to beta it for us. I just know with you on our team we'll ace grammar and language! What with that ESL class you took and all!"

Eric smiled benevolently. "Thank you Amelia. Both of you, please sit."

Amelia, wearing a big grin, settled herself on Eric's black leather couch while Pam sat on the chair across from her maker's desk.

"Well," Eric said. "Let's get down to this, shall we?"

Amelia and Pam both nodded excitedly.

"You use the term 'gracious plenty.'" Eric fixed a piercing gaze first on Pam and then on Amelia. "I assume Sookie put you up to this?"

Pam and Amelia exchanged a look of confusion. Finally, Pam responded to Eric's question.

"No. Amelia came up with it."

"Hmmm, is that right?"

"Yes," Pam nodded. "I wanted to call it broadsword."

"Broadsword?" A slow smile spread across the one-time Viking's face. "Yes, I like that. Add it. You must also add some mention of my bottom. I have been told it is my best part." Eric's eyes returned to the pages in front of him.

Amelia, surprised by Eric's request, managed to catch Pam's eye. "Add his bottom?" she mouthed.

Pam shrugged.

"This other vampire— Cookie's previous boyfriend. The duplicitous wretch who is constantly bemoaning his existence..."

"Phil..." Pam supplied.

"Yes, Phil." Eric paused. "I have made some revisions to his appearances. I have made it more descriptive. Made it more rich."

Amelia slanted her eyes at Pam, who chose to ignore her friend's glare. Lips pursed, Pam directed her next words to Eric.

"Eric, let me see what you've done."

Eric handed his child a page. Pam glanced at the sheet and read.

"You have crossed out Phil's name and replaced it with "the douche bag" every other time he is mentioned."

"He did what?" squawked Amelia. "Let me see!"

Horrified over what she was reading, Amelia's mouth fell open. She quickly recovered her voice.

"Pam! We can't leave it like that! It's supposed to be an omniscient narrator! You can't just stick an opinion in there! The judges will totally take off points if we have the omniscient narrator referring to one of the characters as a douche bag!"

Eric, meanwhile, was unmoved by Amelia's outburst. "It is not an opinion, Amelia. It is, actually, quite factual..."

"Pam!" Amelia hissed. "It's not even spelled right! He's got it as one word!" she said in a hushed tone. "Douche bag is two words!"

"Amelia," Pam was losing patience. "Even if Eric were not a vampire, he is sitting right there. He can hear you."

Amelia turned to look over at Eric who, she realized, was staring at her intently.

"Is there a problem with my beta'ing, Amelia?" Eric let his fangs drop.

Biting back the words that hovered on the tip of her tongue, Amelia shook her head. "Nope! We're good. Douchebag - one word- it is." Settling back onto the couch, Amelia glared at Pam.

"Good. I have also made some other changes."

"Like what?" Amelia shrieked before she had a chance to run it past her verbal filter.

Amused, Eric smiled again at Amelia. "Well, for one, I added to your lemons."

Eric passed another page to Pam. Reading the sheet, Pam's eyebrow went up. Done reading, she handed the page to Amelia.

"Not only has he added lemons, Amelia, he has added slash."

"Slash! The contest rules didn't say we could do slash!"

Pam threw a sullen look at Eric, who just smirked.

"Well, what the heck kind of slash did he add?" asked Amelia.

"Derek emasculates Phil by taunting him and forcing him to perform certain favors," Pam said simply.

Appalled, Amelia turned to Pam. "What? That's sick!"

"So says the woman whose sex play left her partner a cat for months." Eric replied with a raised eyebrow.

"Sookie told you that?" Amelia made an annoyed sound. "I'll kill her."

At Eric's fang-bared growl, Amelia modified her statement. "It's a figure of speech! I love Sook. Of course, I wouldn't hurt her."

"Of course," Eric nodded. "Now, I have taken the liberty to improve the names of several of the throwaway characters."

"What?" Amelia replied.

"Who?" Pam asked.

"The shifter who is Cookie's boss..."

"The one based on Sam...?" prompted Pam.

"Yes. His name was Dean. Now it is Ben."

Glancing at the paper Eric handed her, Pam made a face. "Ben Dover?"

Snorting with laughter, Eric nodded. "The one based on Alcide..."

"Alex?" Amelia piped in.

"Yes. I have changed Alex as well to something more befitting."

Amelia grabbed the page from Pam and quickly perused the words. "Alpo? You changed his name to Alpo?"

Eric nodded. "No need to thank me. It is my duty as your beta to improve the story as I see fit."

"What about the Quinn character?" asked Amelia. "Did you rename him?"

Eric's countenance took on a pensive look. "I am particularly pleased with that revision as I felt it was quite creative on my part. I decided to shift his metaphysical form into something else altogether."

"Oh," Amelia breathed.

Pam, in the meantime, continued to review the pages. Finally she found what she was looking for.

"Amelia," Pam glanced at the witch. "I think I found Quinn. _Suddenly Cookie looked up. 'Pew! Does anyone else smell something really bad?' she asked. Wondering if it were possible for vampires to fart, she threw a look of disgust at Phil_. There are all these mentions of a bad smell now in the spots where Quinn's character previously was introduced."

"What? No!" Appalled, Amelia struggled to understand the implications. "What did he do with Quinn's lines?"

"He deleted them."

"No! No! Heck, no! The story won't make any sense now! Geez! We should forget about the contest and just send it straight to HBO if it's that lame-brained and stupid!"

Eric cleared his throat prompting Amelia to look at him. Gradually she forced the corners of her lips upward into a fake smile. "Well, actually, when you think about it, I'm complimenting you, Eric. With your story-telling flair and technique, you could easily write for HBO."

Eric squinted his eyes, obviously pondering the witch's words. Finally he replied. "Thank you, Amelia."

Glancing away at the door, Amelia rolled her eyes.

"Eric," Pam decided to try to reason with her maker. "We must get the Quinn character back. We cannot just make Quinn an amorphous odor."

"Why not?"

"We need him for the plot!" Amelia pleaded.

"Amelia is right," Pam nodded. "How about if we let you rename him? As you did Dean?"

Eric nodded. "I will think on that."

"Did you change the Cookie character at all?"

"Slight improvements here and there. Mostly I divested her of extra clothing."

"What?" squawked Amelia.

Speed-reading through the pages, Pam quickly found an example of Eric's "improvements".

"Here it is: _'Won't you come in Mr. Southman?' Cookie asked as she opened the door. As Derek entered her home, he gave Cookie a panty-dropping smile. 'Excuse me,' she said as she quickly unzipped her slacks and allowed them to fall to the floor. Sighing happily at Derek, she stepped out of her panties._

"Wait a minute!" Amelia was livid. "Isn't that the first time they meet?"

"Yes..." Pam frowned as a suspicion formed in her mind. "Eric, did you have Cookie drop her panties every time we use the descriptor 'panty-dropping'?"

"Of course," he nodded. "Was this not your intention?"

"No! It wasn't our intention!" Amelia was aghast. "That's just a figure of speech. You weren't supposed to take it literally!"

"My apologies, Amelia. I did not know this."

"I can't believe he didn't get that, Pam," Amelia hissed to Pam. "I'm starting to get Sook's point about him pretending not to understand things."

"Amelia, again, he can hear you," Pam reminded her friend.

"I don't care if he can!" Amelia squeaked. "I think he's doing this on purpose! I think he doesn't want us to enter the contest!"

"Don't be silly, Amelia. If Eric didn't want us to enter the contest, he would command me and glamour you."

Startled by the reality posed by Pam, Amelia was momentarily at a loss for words. "Oh..."

"Yes, Amelia," Eric, arms folded, fixed his cold blue eyed stare on the witch. "Pam is right. If I wanted to undermine your efforts, there are other methods I could use that would be less time-consuming than my being your beta."

"Harrumph," Amelia responded.

"All things considered, you should be grateful I have decided to play along with your little amusement."

Deciding to ignore their beta for the moment, Amelia focused her attention on her co-author. "Pam, what're we gonna do? What about Quinn's lines? And Alpo? And Cookie dropping her panties every other chapter?"

"Well, Amelia, we must work to improve the story using Eric's feedback."

"No!" Amelia exclaimed. "I say to hell with Eric's feedback."

"Amelia…" Eric's voice was ice. "I spent the better part of an hour reading your story. I," he paused, "would appreciate…a little...courtesy."

"Oh…" Eyes wide, Amelia stared at Eric. _Hmmm, this must be that high-handed thing Sook's always talking about…_

"Come, Amelia," Pam stood and started towards the door. "We have much to do and not much time."

"Uh, yeah" replied Amelia as she followed Pam out of the office.

"Oh," Eric called out after them. "If you see Sookie out there, would you please let her know I am wearing my panty-dropping smile?"

Pam scowled at Eric before replying with a sarcastic smile. "Of course."

"Sure thing, Eric." Amelia replied with a roll of her eyes.

**

* * *

AN: Hmmm. Is it me or is Eric the beta from hell? I am reminded of Mr. Peterman from 'Seinfeld'. Chapter 3 is Pamelia's version of the fic, while Chapter 4 will be Eric's beta'd version of the fic. I won't say what Chapter 5 will be. LOL. *shakes head* Has anyone seen my meds? JK**


	3. Pamelia's Adventures of Derek Southman

**Disclaimer: Characters (I guess?) belong to Charlaine Harris. **

**Saint Eric Contest + Sookehverse = Lunacy**

**Remember: Miral and sassyvampmama did not write this. Pamelia wrote this. **

* * *

Cookie Crackhouse was busy working as a waitress at her local bar, Babcock's Bar and Grill. Her boss, Dean Babcock, had had a crush on Cookie for a long time. Cookie, however was not interested in Dean, as he was too much of a nice guy for Cookie. Oh, sure Cookie would feign interest in Dean, whenever it was convenient to her purposes. But her friends, Amanda and Jan, knew the truth.

"Cookie, why don't you ask Dean out? Since he's such a woman he will obviously never ask you out?" asked Jan, who just happened to be a vampire, one day.

"Yeah, Cook," agreed Amanda, who was a real-life witch. "Hey, that makes me wonder. Can Dean actually shift into a woman or is it animals only? When he shifts into animals, could he maybe make himself a female?"

"Oh," Jan nodded. "I have a question, too. Does he control his proportions? Can he choose to make himself shorter so that other parts of him are longer?" She asked with a quirked eyebrow.

Cookie was horrified at Jan's question. "Jan, what a question! You're terrible!"

"Will you ask?" Amanda asked, waggling her eyebrows suggestively.

"I'll try to work it into the conversation." Cookie quirked her eyebrow back at her in a sarcastic manner.

"Thank you!" Amanda squealed enthusiastically.

"Yes, Cookie. Thank you." Jan nodded.

So Cookie continued not to date or have sex because she was a prude while her two roommates, Amanda and Jan, had a lot of sex both with each other and a lot of other humans, and with most of the supernatural creatures who would just pop up randomly on the property.

One day the doorbell rang and the only one around or alive to answer it was Cookie.

_I bet it's someone looking to have sex with Jan or Amanda_, she thought as she swung open the door. She was surprised to see a short man with unfashionably long sideburns wearing stain-resistant khakis from Sears, moccasins, and a 1980s Journey concert t-shirt.

"Hi there." Cookie said breathlessly, her ample bosoms heaving with her exertion of having to run to the door.

"Hello, Ah am Phil Johnson, a descendant of the long line of Johnsons who lived next door."

"Yes," agreed Cookie. Nervous, her words made little sense. Had her two roommates been home and/or alive, they would have ridiculed the girl. She wore her crazy 'someone shoved a hot poker up my ass' smile. "Yes, the Johnsons next door are quite long."

Phil gave her a curious look and started to cry.

"Oh, my! Was it something I said?"

"No, Ah just cry a lot and bemoan my existence."

"Really? Are you a telepath too?"

"No, Ah'm a vampire."

"No kidding! My roommate Jan is a vampire! Maybe you all went to the same vampire school!"

Phil looked at Cookie in a condescending way. "That's not how it works. What is your name? Although," he laughed, "Ah could just call you Mah Secret Agenda."

Cookie gave her new neighbor a "What'chu talkin' 'bout, Willis?' look. "My name is Cookie Crackhouse. The Crackhouses are as long as the Johnsons. I mean our history here in France."

"Well, Cookie. Would you like to go on a date with me?"

"Oh! Would I! I've never been on a date! What shall we do?"

"How about Ah feed off you, we have sex, then Ah die for the day while Ah leave you a list of errands you could take care of for me?"

Cookie wasn't sure that sounded like a good time, but she figured beggars couldn't be choosers. She was 24 and she wasn't getting any younger. One thing she was sure of though: She wasn't putting out without at least getting a meal out of it!

"What about my dinner?"

"Oh, we Johnsons got plenty to keep a woman's mouth busy."

"No! I want something to eat!"

"McDonald's Drive-Thru?"

"Let's go!"

A few minutes later Cookie found herself in a late model Cadillac listening to Kenny G. Trying to make conversation with her date, Cookie asked, "So did you listen to Kenny G when you were alive?"

Phil cut his eyes to her and shook his head.

"I knew it!" Cookie replied excitedly. "I always say, _'I'd have to be dead before you'd catch me willingly listening to Kenny G!_'"

Phil started to cry again.

"Phil? Was it something I said?"

"Yes! Can you just be quiet? Please?" After taking an unnecessary breath, Phil finally seemed to calm down.

So the remainder of the ride to McDonald's was made in silence. Finally they approached the drive-thru entrance. Phil pulled up to the speaker where a disembodied voice asked,

"Supe or human?"

"Supe," replied Phil.

"Drive around."

Phil and Cookie drove around to the window.

"Hey, uh, I'm John Schlong but folks just call me Schlong. I'm the supe McDonalds clerk. We got O+, O-, AB."

Cookie leaned over Phil from her spot in the passenger seat. "Oh, no! He's gonna eat me later, but I wanted a cheeseburger, fries, McNuggets, a large Coke in the collectible cup, an apple pie and you still doing that yogurt and fruit thing?"

"Uh, yeah, babe. Geez, where you gonna put all that away? In your rack, babe?"

"Maybe," laughed Cookie.

"Excuse me," interrupted Phil. "Did you forget we were on a date?"

"Actually I did!" she laughed.

"Babe, why don't you dump this deader. I may be bald, stupid, and stuck in a dead-end job, but I'll just lick your superficial wounds. I'm not gonna stick any fangs in ya, because I ain't got fangs!"

Cookie debated that for a minute. She looked at Phil whose face was still covered in dried blood from all his mama's boy histrionics. Mind made up, Cookie jumped out of the car.

"Sorry, Phil! I'm gonna give cue ball a try over here."

Phil's face settled into a frown of annoyance.

"Will you still take care of my errands?" He gave her a sly smile.

Cookie's face scrunched up in deep thought. "No sex. No feeding."

Phil sighed with a smile. "You got me. Just the phone calls."

"Sure, Phil that's what neighbors are for."

"Good. Thank you. Please get out now. The smell of this food has me ready to yank the drive thru sign from the grass and stake myself."

"Oh, we wouldn't want that," she giggled.

So Cookie got out of the car and went inside the McDonalds. Once inside the fast food restaurant she looked around for Schlong. Seeing a large bald man from the back she thought it was him until she realized the man was half man/half tiger with a tail and tiger legs and a big smelly tiger ass.

"Oh, my," she said.

The tiger man turned around at the sound of her voice. "Hey, babe," he nodded. "Just getting the rest of your grub together. I like a gal with a healthy appetite. I can't wait to watch you chow down on this. Then maybe, when my shift is done, we can go to a bar and I'll get you a big, big drink of alcohol and I'll watch you guzzle that down."

Cookie was feeling rather disgusted. "I'm sorry. I don't feel very well. I think I need to go home."

"What? Are you one of those? Is it the tail? I'm a shifter, babe! We get tired sometimes. Don't you leave the house without your makeup once in a while?"

Cookie kind of saw his point but she still thought he was a disgusting smelly animal.

"I'm sorry. I have a headache."

"Does this mean you don't want all this food anymore?"

"Oh, no," she shook her head. "I'm still hungry and I grabbed the twenty Phil had on the console to pay."

"Can I still watch you eat, babe? I got a break coming up."

Internally debating the odd request, Cookie finally nodded. "Sure, thing, buddy."

"Thanks babe."

Cookie ate her large meal all the while wondering if Tony the Tiger was some kind of chubby chaser the way he seemed to enjoy watching her eat and the way he kept trying to talk her into dating him, arguing they could watch each other eat at a table every day if they dated.

Finally Cookie was done with her meal and she was ready to leave the McDonalds. She figured she would just walk home. Maybe walk off some of the calories of her extensive dinner.

After about a mile, she heard a horn honking. She tried to ignore it but finally she turned to look. A dark-haired man with green eyes driving a truck pulled over.

"Hey, my name is Alex. This here is my on and off again psychotic girlfriend, Dottie. Do you need a lift?"

Cookie glanced into the truck. Alex's girlfriend Dottie had some horrible asymmetrical haircut that was not only expensive but it was also pretentious and ugly. Besides that, Dottie was holding a gun and play-aiming it at Cookie.

"No thanks, mister. I'm good walking. Almost there. You take care," she nodded.

Alex and Dottie pulled away. Cookie stared to watch them go and was mighty relieved when they were gone.

After an hour and a half, she was finally home.

No sooner was she inside her house, and then her doorbell rang. Jumping up, she ran to check from behind the living room curtain because Jan and Amanda were constantly telling her to not just let anyone inside the house.

Looking out, Cookie bit her lower lip. She didn't know the man but he was sex-on-a-stick gorgeous. Six and a half feet tall, he was as wide as the doorway. He had long flowing blond hair that reached down to his ass. Although it was dark and the lighting on the front porch wasn't the best, Cookie marveled at the man's beauty. Practically salivating at his yumminess, Cookie went around to the front door and threw it open.

"Hi," she said. "Can I help you?"

"Hi, my name is Derek Southman. I am looking for Jan."

"Oh! You're a vampire!" exclaimed Cookie. "Are you looking to date Jan?" Cookie's eyes traveled all over Derek's huge, imposing perfect form. He wore black leather jeans that left nothing to the imagination. His many muscles were practically bursting his t-shirt at the seams like the Incredible Hulk.

"No," he shook his head. "We used to be involved a long time ago. Now we are just friends."

"Oh, you don't say?" Cookie sighed happily, letting out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding, "Have you known each other long?"

"I turned Jan into a vampire." He smirked sexily, causing a new tingly sensation in Cookie's never-before-touched nether regions.

"Wow! Really?" she gasped, her bosoms once again heaving in her excitement.

"Yes, really." Derek the vampire looked at Cookie with his sapphire blue eyes and it was all Cookie could do not to melt into a puddle on the floor. "What is your name?"

"I'm Cookie Crackhouse."

"Well, Cookie Crackhouse, are you going to invite me in?"

"Of course! I don't know where my manners ran off to! Won't you come in Mr. Southman?" Cookie asked as she opened the door. As Derek entered her home, he gave Cookie a panty-dropping smile.

"Is Jan here?"

Cookie realized she had no idea where either of her roommates were. But she figured if she told Derek Jan were there, he'd stay awhile to wait to see her.

"Asleep," she replied. "Jan's asleep."

Derek raised an eyebrow in surprise. "That is strange. As a vampire, she should be awake now."

"She and Amanda, our other roommate, were up late having sex. I'm sure Jan is just real tired."

"Is that so?"

"Yep," Cookie replied.

"And what about you?" he asked, waggling his eyebrows suggestively.

"What about me?" Cookie felt her eyes open wide.

"Were you up late having sex?"

"Oh, no!" she shook her head. "I don't have sex, I'm a virgin. I don't even date."

"Would you like to?" he raised a single eyebrow in question.

"Have sex?" she asked, her heartbeat galloping in her chest. Boy-oh-boy, would she ever! She didn't know it was possible for a woman to want a man this much.

"No," he smirked. "I was referring to the dating, but you're free to answer either question."

"Are you asking me out?" she asked breathlessly.

"Well, it's only ten o'clock at night and I don't have to be anywhere for a few hours. I am a very important vampire around here, so I am usually very busy. But I will make some time for you tonight. So, what would you like to do? Dinner?"

It was a rather long speech for such a sexy and important vampire to make and Cookie could sense that she should be excited that he was willing to spend some time with her. Then suddenly she had a terrible thought and Cookie's eyes took on a horrified look. _He's a vampire! Surely he doesn't want to watch me eat? I couldn't possibly eat more._

"I ate already, Derek."

"We could watch a movie." He waggled his eyebrows suggestively once more.

"Yeah, we could." Cookie sighed with a smile.

Just as Cookie was putting the movie into her DVD player there was a knock at the door. Cookie walked to the door, opening it once again to find a crying Phil Johnson on her front porch.

"Oh Phil, what is the matter now?" Cookie asked sympathetically.

"Ah have lost my favorite Izod Polo shirt. It was the most perfect shade of tan with dark green stripes. Now what am Ah to wear with my new Docker khakis?" he wailed bringing on a new round of tears.

Phil tried to lean into Cookie to cry on her shoulder when he was stopped by some sort of invisible force field covering her doorway. Cookie, realizing that she had not yet invited him to enter her house, asked him if he would like to come in.

"Yes, Ah would very much enjoy taking advantage of your hospitality and over-reaching backwoods country manners." He said as he crossed the threshold and walked into her living room, where he abruptly came face to chest with none other than a slightly more than displeased Derek Southman.

"Why don't you have a seat and I will go to the kitchen to see if I happen to have any of those artificial blood substitutes that I hear you vampires drink instead of draining unsuspecting humans nowadays?"

"That would be very kind of you, Ms. Crackhouse. Ah could certainly use a warm Newblood right about now to help me calm my nerves."

"I too would like a warm drink if you are offering, Cookie. I happen to really enjoy AB+, if you have any." Derek said, raising his eyebrow in her direction.

Cookie giggled and said, "That's very interesting Mr. Southman, that just so happens to be my blood type. It's very rare you know. It is so rare that I once had a doctor, I think his name was Dr. Ball, who told my friends that I didn't have a blood type after a bad car accident."

With that she giggled again, and after flipping her long blond hair over her shoulder, she bounced her way into the kitchen to gather their refreshments.

While she was in the kitchen, the two males in the living room were having a tense, if somewhat heated, discussion.

"What are you doing here Johnson? Do you not have someone else to bother with all of your incessant moaning and whining?" Derek asked, puffing up his chest to make himself appear larger in front of his tear covered subordinate.

"Cookie is MINE. Ah saw her first. Ah have had her in my motor vehicle, if you understand my meaning." Phil leered towards Derek, trying to impart that something of a sexual nature had taken place between himself and Cookie.

"I understand that you think that by driving her to the local fast food dealer, that you think that you have laid a claim to her, but I want you to understand that Cookie will be mine after tonight. We will be watching a movie after you leave, and she will not be able to resist my many charms… my large charms… Do you understand me Johnson?" Derek asked Phil through his clenched teeth. "Besides, I am your superior, so I could simply command you to leave her alone if I so chose."

"Ah understand, but don't you think that it should be up to Cookie to choose which of us she will lie with? Ah feel like we had a major connection this evening sitting in the McDonalds drive thru line."

"Fine, we will leave it up to Cookie, but as I am definitely the better choice, I can assure you that she will not be choosing you. I think that you will find that you have other more pressing matters to attend to tonight that will force you to leave immediately. Is that clear, underling?"

Just as he said this to Phil, Cookie came bouncing back into the room carrying two Newbloods, freshly warmed, and her own glass of sweet tea.

"Johnson here has just remembered that he has a very important thing to get done tonight, so he will not be able to stay. Isn't that right, Phil?" Derek said to both Cookie and Phil, pointedly looking at Phil in the process.

"What? Oh yes, the thing. Ah am sorry Ms. Crackhouse, but Ah must depart for the evening."

"Oh, well that's really too bad. I had thought that you might be able to finally cheer up with the help of our company. We were just going to watch The Lost Boys on DVD, but I understand that you are busy. Maybe next time." Cookie said cheerfully.

"Ah would very much like that Ms. Crackhouse. Spending time with you—when you are not eating—is somewhat enjoyable. Just don't forget to make my calls for me tomorrow. Ah really need to replace my missing Izod polo shirt." He said, already starting to sniffle as he made his way to the front door, leaving both Derek and Cookie to wonder at his attachment to outdated clothing.

"Now, where were we before we were interrupted?" Cookie asked. She was rewarded with yet another of his world famous panty dropping smiles.

"I believe that you were about to insert the movie so that the screams of the young teenagers would drown out the sounds of your pleasure as I give you multiple orgasms." Derek said, waggling his eyebrows at a stunned Cookie.

"But Derek, I told you that I was a virgin. I could not possibly have sex with you, I don't even know you."

"We can change that. I would very much enjoy tasting you Cookie, in many different ways. I will be gentle with you, and you will be screaming my name before the movie is over. I can promise you that."

"But I don't even know what to do. I have never even seen a man's… well, you know, a man's thing before."

"I will show you mine if you will show me yours, Cookie." Derek said while swiveling his hips suggestively in her direction.

"Well, I have always wanted to be with a man, but since I am a telepath, I can't stand to listen to what they are thinking about my boobs or my butt. I suppose that since I can't hear your thoughts I might be all right. Sure, why not, you are a very important vampire after all." Cookie said, gaining a satisfied smirk from Derek with her decision.

"Very well then, put the movie in and come sit next to me. I will take good care of you, Lovely." Cookie blushed at the way that particular endearment rolled off Derek's tongue, but when she turned back to face the couch her breath caught in her throat. Sitting on her couch was a now exceedingly naked Derek Southman, and oh boy, did he look good naked.

Cookie was unable to fully form a coherent sentence, instead mumbling something that sounded like the garbled words of a static-filled radio station.

"I'm sorry, Cookie. Does it bother you to see me naked here in your living room?"

"Not really, but I am kinda confused. I didn't know that we were gonna watch the movie together, um, naked."

"I like to do everything I can naked. I am a Viking sex god."

Cookie gulped audibly, making Derek chuckle at her innocence. But he also noticed that she never took her eyes off of his lap.

"See something you like, Cookie?" Derek smirked at her reaction, flaring his nostrils at the sudden influx of her warming scent.

"Well, I have never seen one before, but I think yours might be bigger than most."

"Yes well, it seems to do the trick." Derek said suggestively. He moved his hips slightly, causing his engorged member to sway gently, and laughed out loud at the sight of Cookie's eyes widening once again.

"Well, it is a gracious plenty, isn't it?" Cookie sighed.

Derek let out yet another loud guffaw, startling Cookie with its intensity. "A Gracious Plenty, yes, I like that. I think that I will call it that from now on, even though it makes my cock sound like it should be wrapped in a crocheted doily, not buried deep inside a woman. Yes, Gracious Plenty it is, I don't think my masculinity will suffer at all."

"Well I'm glad you like it, Derek." Cookie said, but then she worriedly added, "Do you think it will all fit? Inside… you know, of me?"

"Oh yes, Cookie, I can guarantee that it will, and that you will enjoy it as well."

Cookie gasped at the confidence in his voice. All of this was new to her; it was almost too much for her to take in. Her body felt like it was slowly being consumed by the blush he had brought on with his words, not to mention the return of the tingling sensation in her rapidly moistening panties.

"Oh Cookie, I can smell your arousal. You smell so sweet. Would you allow me to touch you, Cookie?"

"Um, yeah, I guess. Should I touch you too, Derek?" Cookie said shyly, looking up at him from underneath her fluttering eyelashes.

"I would love it if you would touch me, but first, I want to see you Cookie, all of you. You are wearing entirely too many clothes for my liking right now." And with that, Derek began to seductively run his large hands under the waistline of Cookie's jeans.

Before she knew what was happening. Derek had removed her jeans and her panties, and was already kissing up the inside of her calf. She sighed, feeling little tremors of anticipation traveling from each spot his lips landed straight to her melting core. His kisses continued to travel upwards, stopping just short of where she instinctively knew she wanted his mouth to be. He nuzzled his nose into her inner thigh, just below her groin, and darted his tongue out to taste her flesh.

"Right here, right where I am, is one of the most erotic places for a vampire to feed. The moment I slide my fangs into the artery, you will reach a climax unrivaled by mere sex alone." Derek said seductively, all the while tracing his fingertips around her lower lips. "It just so happens to be my favorite spot. Would you mind if I were to take a little nip tonight? I promise it won't hurt you, and I don't need much; just a sip will do it."

His hands were barely grazing her passion-swollen flesh, but every tantalizing bit of contact was pure torture for Cookie, who kept moving her hips, trying to entice Derek to really touch her. She wanted him to stop playing with her, she wanted him to run his fingers through her glistening folds, and to bring her the pleasure that he had promised her. As he trailed his fingers lightly along her slit, he ran his tongue from the spot on her thigh straight to her trembling bundle of nerves, causing Cookie to cry out at the unexpected contact.

Within seconds, her noises became moans. Her hips began jerking and grinding into Derek's mouth and her hands found their way to his head. She wound her fingers in his silken hair at the same time he lifted one of his hands to place on her stomach, holding her in place.

"I will not be able to bring you too much pleasure Cookie, if you will not hold still, though I am glad that you are reacting so enthusiastically."

"Oh Derek, you have such a talented tongue. Please don't stop."

"Your wish is my command, Lovely." Derek said as he returned to his previous ministrations. He continued to lick and suck at Cookie's swollen clit, circling his tongue around it before quickly dipping it into her center, causing her to cry out once more. Derek growled upon hearing Cookie's sounds of pleasure, adding a pleasant vibration to what he was doing.

"More Derek, please… more… ugh!" Cookie moaned.

As Derek started to feel her walls tightening ever so slightly and the small tremors beginning to take over her body, he removed his tongue and inserted a finger into her dripping core. He slowly began pumping it in and out of her, drawing her juices out with every pull of his finger. He set about tonguing her clit once more, lapping at the sweet honey that surrounded his finger.

He inserted a second finger, and was instantly rewarded with shudders racking her body. He turned his head slightly, finding the warmth of her femoral artery, and slid his fangs into her satiny skin without her ever realizing a thing. It was when he took that first pull, that first glorious mouthful that he felt her walls clamp down on his still moving fingers as he watched Cookie fall apart above him.

It was simply the most glorious sight he had ever seen. Add to that the breathy "Derek" that she had uttered on reaching her climax and the amazing taste of her blood, and Derek knew that he would never be satisfied until she belonged to him completely. He decided then and there that Phil was never going to get his chance with Cookie, not if Derek had anything to say about it.

A couple of hours later, the vampire and the telepath were sitting comfortably on Cookie's well-worn couch. Both had a satisfied look on their face and neither had seen more than a second or two of the movie whose credits were currently rolling across the screen.

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**AN: LMAO. O.M.G. WTF. I need a cigarette. Thanks to the amazing sassyvampmama for her awesome contribution. I especially enjoyed her take on the Gracious Plenty. LOL X MILLION. **

**Does this rate as an M? **

**Next Up: Either everyone (Sookie, Bill, Quinn, Alcide, etc.) writes reviews for Pamelia's version OR we post Eric's Beta'd Version. You know. The one with Quinn as an "amorphous odor." Preference? **


	4. Pamelia's Reviews

**Disclaimer: Characters belong to Charlaine Harris and/or Alan Ball.**

**Saint Eric Contest + Sookehverse = Lunacy**

**Remember: Miral and sassyvampmama did not write this. Charlaine Harris's characters wrote these. A few of Alan Ball's characters may have had a hand in it, too. **

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**TigerEyes224 (Quinn)**

OMG! LMAO! This was Gr8, Babes! I really liked the John Schlong character. He was freakin' awesome! I mean really, he had a freakin' tail! And who doesn't like tigers? But I think that maybe Cookie was a little too mean to him but not giving him a chance. He did watch her eat after all. A girl like that, one who can put away that much food, is all good in my book! I'd do her.

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Izod4evr (Bill)**

Ah do not think that the character portrayal was very good. It would seem like Phil Johnson was a good and caring man and Cookie would have been very happy with him. It would take a very arrogant jackass of a vampire to assume that he could just take what another vampire had already claimed as his. If it were me, Ah would call the king or queen of the territory and lodge a strongly worded complaint against Mr. Southman.

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Whatever (Thalia)**

The Sheriff has commanded me to leave a review. It is done.

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GingerKittyMeow (Ginger)**

I just want to know why Cookie didn't want a peanut butter and butter sandwich while she was at McDonalds. They are so good, she should try one.

I think Derek Southman is H.O.T! When Cookie is done with him, can you send him my way? *fanning myself*

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FangGod (Eric)**

My child and her Witch friend,

I find it mildly amusing that you chose to post this chapter without using any of the edits that I so willingly gave you. You have wasted my very valuable time with your insolence. I will be expecting this mistake to be rectified immediately.

Should it not be, I will be forced to waste yet another night teaching you all about basic editing techniques I learned while attending night school. In doing so, I will have to ignore my beloved, which will anger her and further anger myself.

Silver might be involved, along with a skunk in your shoe closet. Credit cards will be cancelled… Need I go on?

~E

P.S. You need to mention my bottom more, it is ONE of my best features after all.

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FanofFlannel (Alcide)**

Man, I sure feel sorry for Cookie's character. I think she would be better off with a shifter (of any sort) than she would be with a fanger. I mean, they're like, dead and all. But a guy shows a little fur, and the girl goes flying. Why doesn't she want to have a nice quiet kind of life? You know, settle down and have a pup or two?

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Bigred (Arlene)**

Why would Cookie want to hang out with dead guys, even if they are sexy? They are evil minions of Satan. She would be better off with a good Christian man, not one who would turn her into a fangbanging whore of the devil. Seems to me that she needs to kick her roommates out and find a better group of friends.

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colliesRcool (Sam)**

I think it's sad that she was stringing her boss along all of this time. It would seem like he was a genuinely good guy. Maybe if he just sticks to it, she will get over her need for danger and she and her boss can try to get together. He would be very protective of her and make sure nothing ever happened to her, I can tell.

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FoxyLady (Debbie)**

Why does everybody assume that just because a girl is holding a gun and PRETENDING to point it at people that she is psychotic? I can't tell you how many times I've heard it myself. But it seems to me that this Cookie is nothing but a slimy scheming slut who would be better off dead before she has a chance to steal someone else's man. Maybe Dottie should have shot her.

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boxOFrox (Jason)**

huh, didn't c that one cuming. (lol) kind out there, don'tcha think? cuz if u want us 2 believe that half man half tigers r real, do u want us to bleve in santa claws and the easter bunny 2?

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Hoytsbaby (Jessica**)

_*wiping tears from eyes from laughing too hard*_ This fic was hawt! I loved the GP and I hope it makes another appearance soon! And Phil is a riot, all crying about his Izod polos… hmmm, kinda reminds me of someone I know_…*gigglesnort*_

Update soon, I CAN'T Wait to see what happens next! HURRY!

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Jessy'sMAN (Hoyt)**

Good story. I liked it. Wish there was more sex.

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vikingsexaddict (Sookie)**

I still gotta say girls, it just doesn't seem realistic. Why would Cookie have sex with Derek the first time they meet, even after she tells him that she's a virgin? And the way she treats everyone else, where are her manners? My Gran would be rolling in her grave if I ever acted that way. I just don't get what all the hype is about, Sorry. :(

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black'n'lovely (Lafayette)**

Bi-yotches, you b bangin in this ditty. I b luvin it.

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CrusaderforGOD (Sarah Newlin)**

If my husband only knew… I would give most anything for one night with Derek, my panties are already wet just thinking about it. I think I need a long, hot, steamy… bath.

What a wonderful story, please post more soon. Can you do a banner?

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fastfingerz (Franklin Mott)**

I wish you could see how fast I was typing this. There, I just erased everything and retyped it really fast again. Has anyone seen my Tara? Good story, BTW.

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madeforbill (Judith)**

I bet that Phil's constant crying and bemoaning of his existence would get real old real fast. Kudos to Cookie for not sticking with him, not when the other 'fish' look like Mr. Southman. Yummy, I'd take a ride on his pixie-stick… WOW!

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UltimateDayMan (Bobby)**

There is no way that Cookie could take care of Phil's daytime needs. She is nowhere bright enough, and I bet she doesn't even have any of the required connections you would need to have. It is very important that a vampire hires a reputable day person, not just some pretty piece of a**. That is how you get staked in your sleep my friends, by not checking references. Just saying…

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numbr1sheriff (Bud)**

This story gave me friggin' ulcers. I just can't take this kind of sh** anymore, I just getting too old for it. First she's with her boss, then a stranger shows up at her door and she's off with him, then she drops him to be with some freaky drive-thru guy, and now she's with another stranger. Doesn't she realize that she could be in some serious trouble? Never Talk To Strangers!

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tighty-not-so-whitys (Sam's Dad)**

Yup, good story. Little lean on any kind of fighting, tho. Is she gonna get any money from them vamps for doin stuff for them? What about that shifter boss of her's? What's he payin her? Update soon.

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Niall Brigant, Prince of the Fairies (same)**

I don't understand why there aren't any fairies in this story? Why does Cookie live with a Lesbian couple? Can you not just dispense with the emo vampire?

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Luv4Law (Andy Bellefleur, Human)**

That's disgusting. That's what's wrong with the world nowadays.

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NightyNightCop (Andy Bellefleur, Vampire)**

Nice. I like how you got Grandpappy in there. He really does cry like that, too. Been trying to dislodge that rod from his ass for months. Nothing seems to work.

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Faerieboi (Claude)**

I think you should describe Derek's cock more. I found myself -as I usually do-wanting more. *hee hee*

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Alan Ballsak (HBO Director)**

This is brilliant. I need to find out who the author is. I have an idea of how to make a show out of it. But we need to add white trash. Lots of white trash. Fairies dancing by lily ponds. Some misogyny would be good. Lots of screaming. Especially the women. And the flying saucer from **Close Encounters** is up for sale on eBay. Oh...Oh...Oh... I think I'm going to _CUM_ I'm so excited over this show!

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The Scotsman (Greg Ferguson)**

Well, I don't know what to say, really. You've got the angsty vamp in there. That's good, I guess. I think he needs attention and this is why he's so angsty all the time. I like the hot blonde with the unbelievable body. And that girl, Cookie, isn't bad either. You've got two Lesbians. That's always a good thing. Definitely better than only one Lesbian. I could do without the tiger-man, but maybe it's just me. No patience for laziness. Fine, he doesn't shift back but he can't pull a pair of pants on? He works in a McDonalds for goodness sake. I don't know why there isn't a viral video on the Facetube of this naked tiger-man with his peepee out at the McDonalds. The couple in the truck? The Skank and the Redneck. That's actually the name of a movie I'm filming...

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OnTheEdge (Russell Edgington)**

Ha ha ha. So that's how you leave it? Oh, my Talbot! My Talbot!

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Talbot-in-a-Jar (same)**

Glup…glup…sklurtch…blep…

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Doclittle (Dr. Ludwig)**

Well, I guess I've only got myself to blame. When I sat down with the lot of them—not Ms. Broadway, but all the others –a few months ago, I told them that writing would be a therapeutic way to get over some of their anxieties and allow them to explore their undiscovered facets. In retrospect, I think I can safely say we'd all be a lot better off if those facets remained unexplored. Maybe the Viking's edits will help.

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**AN: Hmmm. LOL. **

**Here's an idea. Either review - in character - any character - what would Edward or Bella think of it? - _Pamelia's The Adventures of Derek Southman_ OR forward along your favorite cliche of SVM lemony goodness or favorite overdone scene. **

**Next Up: More of Pamelia. Yeah, that's right. They're extending their one-shot. **


	5. Eric's Beta'd Version of Pamelia's Fic

**Disclaimer: Characters (I guess?) belong to Charlaine Harris.**

**Saint Eric Contest + Sookehverse = Lunacy**

**Remember: Miral and sassyvampmama did not write this. Pamelia wrote this and Eric Beta'd it.**

**All of Eric's additions are in** _**bold italics**_ **print**.

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_**Sherriff's Note: Since my child and her witchy friend have declined to use my edits, I have decided to command her to post my version. This way you are free to determine that mine is infinitely better. I trust you will come to the same conclusion I did.**_

_** ~E**_

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Cookie Crackhouse, **_an extremely busty and curvaceous blond_**, was busy working as a waitress at her local bar, _**Dover's**_ Bar and Grill. Her boss, _**Ben Dover**_, had had a crush on Cookie for a long time. Cookie, however was not interested in _**Ben Dover, **_as he was**_ a disgusting emasculated shifter_**. Oh, sure Cookie would feign interest in **_Ben Dover_**, whenever it was convenient to her purposes. But her friends, Amanda and Jan, knew the truth.

"Cookie, why don't you ask _**Ben Dover**_ out? Since he's such a woman he will obviously never ask you out?" asked Jan, who just happened to be a _**very astute and statuesque**_ vampire, one day. _**Jan's maker must be very proud.**_

"Yeah, Cook," agreed Amanda, who was a real-life witch. "Hey, that makes me wonder. Can _**Ben Dover**_ actually shift into a woman or is it animals only? When he shifts into animals, could he maybe make himself a female?"

"Oh," Jan nodded. "I have a question, too. Does he control his proportions? Can he choose to make himself shorter so that other parts of him are longer?" She asked with a quirked eyebrow.

Cookie _**laughed**_ at Jan's question. "Jan, _**no! **__**I'm sure h**__**e can't do that! He's got a small penis**__**, I've seen it before, you know, when he… changes back. And besides, everyone knows that a small cock is always a small cock, no matter how you try to make it look bigger! **_What a question! You're terrible!" _**Cookie said as a delicious blush worked its way over her beautiful features.**_

"Will you ask?" Amanda asked, waggling her eyebrows suggestively_**, **__**making her look oddly clown-like**_.

"I'll try to work it into the conversation." Cookie quirked her eyebrow back at her in a sarcastic manner.

"Thank you!" Amanda squealed enthusiastically.

"Yes, Cookie. Thank you." Jan nodded.

So Cookie continued not to date or have sex because she was _**waiting for a Sex God to come and awaken her passion, **_while her two roommates, Amanda and Jan, had a lot of sex both with each other and a lot of other humans, and with most of the supernatural creatures who would just pop up randomly on the property. _**The vampire roommate, in particular, was a slut**__**, much to her maker's chagrin**__**.**_

One day the doorbell rang and the only one around or alive to answer it was Cookie.

_I bet it's someone looking to have sex with Jan or Amanda_, she thought as she swung open the door. She was surprised to see a short man with unfashionably long sideburns wearing stain-resistant khakis from Sears, moccasins, and a 1980s Journey concert t-shirt.

"Hi there." Cookie said breathlessly, her ample bosoms heaving with her exertion of having to run to the door.

"Hello, Ah am _**the Douchebag**_, a descendant of the long line of _**Douchebags**_ who lived next door."

"Yes," agreed Cookie. Nervous, her words made little sense. Had her two roommates been home and/or alive, they would have ridiculed the girl. She wore her crazy _**'you need to get away from me you disgusting douchebag'**_ look on her face. "Yes, the next door _**Douchebags**_ are quite long."

_**The Douchebag**_ gave her a curious look and started to cry. _**Yes, he was missing testicles **__**and he didn't seem to care who knew it**__**.**_

"Oh, my! Was it something I said?"

"No, Ah just cry a lot and bemoan my existence."

"Really? Are you a telepath too?"

"No, Ah'm a vampire."

"No kidding! My roommate Jan is a vampire! Maybe you all went to the same vampire school!"

_**The Douchebag**_ looked at Cookie in a condescending way. "That's not how it works. What is your name? Although," he laughed, "Ah could just call you Mah Secret Agenda."

Cookie gave her new neighbor a "What'chu talkin' 'bout, Willis?' look. "My name is Cookie Crackhouse. The Crackhouses are as long as the _**Douchebags**_. I mean our history here in France."

"Well, Cookie. Would you like to go on a date with me?"

_"__**I can't think of anything I'd like less, but since**_ I've never been on a date_**, I guess I will.**__" __**She leaned over to vomit in the trash receptacle next to the hall entry table **__**before continuing her conversation,**_ "What shall we do?"

"How about Ah feed off you, we have sex_**, but it will leave you aching and wanting more since I suffer from **__**a common genital problem called**__** microphallus, **_then Ah'll die for the day while Ah leave you a list of errands you could take care of for me?"

Cookie wasn't sure that sounded like a good time, but she figured beggars couldn't be choosers. She was 24 and she wasn't getting any younger. One thing she was sure of though: She wasn't putting out without at least getting a meal out of it!

"What about my dinner?"

"Oh, we _**Douchebags**_ got plenty to keep a woman's mouth busy."

"No! I want something to eat!"

"McDonald's Drive-Thru?"

"Let's go!"

A few minutes later Cookie found herself in a late model Cadillac listening to Kenny G. Trying to make conversation with her date, Cookie asked, "So did you listen to Kenny G when you were alive?"

_**The Douchebag**_ cut his eyes to her and shook his head.

"I knew it!" Cookie replied excitedly." I always say, 'I'd have to be dead before you catch me willingly listening to Kenny G!"

_**The Douchebag**_ started to cry again.

"_**Douchebag**_? Was it something I said?"

"Yes! Can you just be quiet? Please?"

So the remainder of the ride to McDonalds was made in silence. Finally they approached the drive thru entrance. _**The Douchebag**_ pulled up to the speaker where a disembodied voice asked,

"Supe or human?"

"Supe," replied _**the Douchebag**_.

"Drive around."

_**The Douchebag **_and Cookie drove around to the window.

_**Suddenly Cookie looked up in disgust, "Pew! Does anyone else smell something really bad?" she asked. Wondering if it were possible for vampires to fart, she threw a look of disgust at the Douchebag**__**. Deciding that she could not stay in a car with a vampire who farted in her presence, she opened the door and started walking home. The Douchebag pulled up beside her, asking her why she was leaving.**_

"_**I am leaving you Douchebag, because you stink. You are not even remotely as handsome a vampire as the one I saw the other night, the one who owns the bar in the next town. Besides, I'm sure that he doesn't fart around ladies. I wasn't even really all that hungry in the first place."**_

After _**she had walked **_about a mile, she heard a horn honking. She tried to ignore it but finally she turned to look. A dark-haired man with green eyes driving a truck pulled over.

"Hey, my name is _**Alpo**_. This here is my on and off again psychotic _**bitch of a **_girlfriend, Dottie. Do you need a lift?"

Cookie glanced into the truck. _**Alpo's**_ girlfriend Dottie had some horrible asymmetrical haircut that was not only expensive but it was also pretentious and ugly. Besides that, _**the bitch **_was holding a Colt 45 and play-aiming it at Cookie.

"No thanks, mister. I'm good walking. _**Besides I can tell you're a Were and she's a shifter and you're both disgusting, vile creatures that ought to have been drowned at birth. Anyway, I'm almost **__**home**_. You take care," she nodded_** politely as she kept walking away from the truck**_.

_**Alpo**_ and _**his psycho bitch**_ pulled away. Cookie stared to watch them go and was mighty relieved when they were gone.

After an hour and a half, she was finally home.

No sooner was she inside her house, and then her doorbell rang. Jumping up, she ran to check from behind the living room curtain because Jan and Amanda were constantly telling her to not just let anyone inside the house.

Looking out, Cookie bit her lower lip. She didn't know the man but he was sex-on-a-stick gorgeous. _**He was**__** breath-taking, really**__**, if she was being honest with herself. **__**She continued to silently assess the ethereal male standing on her porch, he was at least **_six and a half feet tall, _**and **_he was as wide as the doorway. He had long flowing blond hair that reached down to his ass. Although it was dark and the lighting on the front porch wasn't the best, Cookie marveled at the man's _**incredible **_beauty. Practically salivating at his yumminess, Cookie went around to the front door and threw it open.

"Hi," she said. "Can I help you?"

"Hi, my name is Derek Southman. I am looking for Jan."

"Oh! You're a vampire!" exclaimed Cookie. "Are you looking to date Jan?" Cookie's eyes traveled all over Derek's huge, imposing perfect form. He wore black leather jeans that left nothing to the imagination. _**She could tell that, unlike all the other men she had encountered that day, he was very well-endowed with a huge member. **_His many muscles were practically bursting his t-shirt at the seams like the Incredible Hulk.

"No," he shook his head. "We used to be involved a long time ago. Now we are just friends. _**Although I could end her in seconds if she does not behave and cease her incessant mocking of me." **__**His last sentence seemed oddly out of place, but Cookie, still lost in her lust-induced haze, merely smiled pleasantly at his statement.**_

"Oh, you don't say?" Sookie sighed happily, letting out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. "Have you known each other long?"

"I turned Jan into a vampire." He smirked sexily, causing a new tingly sensation in Cookie's never-before-touched nether regions.

"Wow! Really?" she gasped, her bosoms once again heaving in her excitement.

"Yes, really." Derek the vampire looked at Cookie with his sapphire blue eyes and it was all Cookie could do not to melt into a puddle on the floor. "What is your name?"

"I'm Cookie Crackhouse."

"Well, Cookie Crackhouse, are you going to invite me in?"

"_**Won't you come in Mr. Southman?" Cookie invited as she opened the door. As Derek entered her home, he gave Cookie a panty-dropping smile. "Excuse me," she said as she quickly unzipped her slacks and allowed them to fall to the floor. Sighing happily at Derek, she stepped out of her pants and then her panties.**_

"Is Jan here?" _**Derek asked her after she handed him her panties and put on a fresh pair and then pulled her pants back on like nothing unusual had taken place.**_

Cookie realized she had no idea where either of her roommates were. But she figured if she told Derek Jan were there, he'd stay awhile to wait for her.

"Asleep," she replied. "Jan's asleep."

Derek raised an eyebrow in surprise. "That is strange. As a vampire, she should be awake now."

"She and Amanda, our other roommate, were up late having sex. I'm sure Jan is just real tired."

"Is that so? _**More likely, she is **__**simply**__** being lazy.**_"

"Yep," Cookie replied.

"And what about you?" he asked, waggling his eyebrows suggestively.

"What about me?" Sookie felt her eyes open wide.

"Were you up late having sex?"

"Oh, no!" she shook her head. "I don't have sex, I'm a virgin. I don't even date."

"Would you like to?" he raised a single eyebrow in question.

"Have sex?" she asked, her heartbeat galloping in her chest. Boy-oh-boy, would she ever! She didn't know it was possible for a woman to want a man this much.

"No," he smirked. "I was referring to the dating, but you're free to answer either question."

"Are you asking me out?" she asked breathlessly.

"Well, it's only ten o'clock at night and I don't have to be anywhere for a few hours. I am a very important vampire around here, _**as very little can happen without my consent, **_so I am usually very busy. But I will make some time for you tonight. So, what would you like to do? Dinner?"

It was a rather long speech for such a sexy and important vampire to make and Cookie could sense that she should be excited that he was willing to spend some time with her.

"I ate already, Derek."

"We could watch a movie." He waggled his eyebrows suggestively once more.

"Yeah, we could." Cookie sighed with a smile.

Just as Cookie was putting the movie into her DVD player there was a knock at the door. Cookie walked to the door, opening it to once again find a crying _**Douchebag**_ on her front porch.

"Oh _**Douchebag**_, what is the matter now?" Cookie asked sympathetically.

"_**Along with mah penis **__**being smaller than a ground squirrel's**_**, **Ah have lost my favorite Izod Polo shirt. It was the most perfect shade of tan with dark green stripes. Now what am Ah to wear with my new Docker khakis?" he wailed bringing on a new round of tears. _**The Douchebag had no shame.**_

_**The Douchebag**_ tried to lean into Cookie to cry on her shoulder when he was stopped by some sort of invisible force field covering her doorway. Cookie, realizing that she had not yet invited him to enter her house, asked him if he would like to come in.

"Yes, Ah would very much enjoy taking advantage of your hospitality and over-reaching backwoods country manners." He said as he crossed the threshold and walked into her living room, where he abruptly came face to chest with none other than a slightly more than displeased Derek Southman.

"Why don't you have a seat and I will go to the kitchen to see if I happen to have any of those artificial blood substitutes that I hear you vampires drink instead of draining unsuspecting humans now?"

"That would be very kind of you, Ms. Crackhouse. Ah could certainly use a warm Newblood right about now to help me calm my nerves."

"I too would like a warm drink if you are offering, Cookie. I happen to really enjoy AB+, if you have any." Derek said, raising his eyebrow in her direction.

Cookie giggled and said, "That's very interesting Mr. Southman, that just so happens to be my blood type. It's very rare you know. It is so rare that I once even had a doctor, I think his name was Dr. Ball, who told my friends that I didn't have a blood type after a bad car accident."

With that she giggled again, and after flipping her long blond hair over her should, she bounced her way into the kitchen to gather their refreshments.

While she was in the kitchen, the two males in the living room were having a tense, if somewhat heated, discussion.

"What are you doing here _**Douchebag**_? Do you not have someone else to bother with all of your incessant moaning and whining?" Derek asked, _**leaning down **__**more than**__** a foot so he could look **_his tear covered subordinate _**in the eye**_.

"Cookie is MINE. Ah saw her first. Ah have had her in my motor vehicle, if you understand my meaning." _**The Douchebag**_ leered towards Derek, trying to impart that something of a sexual nature had taken place between himself and Cookie.

"I understand that you think that by driving her to the local fast food dealer, that you think that you have laid a claim to her, but I want you to understand that Cookie will be mine after tonight. We will be watching a movie after you leave, and she will not be able to resist my many charms… my large charms… Do you understand me, _**Douchebag**_?" Derek asked _**the Douchebag**_ through his clenched teeth. "Besides, I am your superior, so I could simply command you to leave her alone if I so chose. _**But instead of doing that, I think that you should be taught a lesson. Get down on your knees and suck my cock like the woman you really are.**_"

"Ah understand, but don't you think that it should be up to Cookie to choose which of us she will lie with? Ah feel like we had a major connection this evening sitting in the McDonalds drive thru line." _**the Douchebag said as he knelt down in front of Derek and began unbuttoning his pants.**_

_**As soon as Derek's pants were open, the Douchebag pulled out Derek's broadsword and began to polish it thoroughly. Once he was done running his hands up and down Derek's long, hard pulsating cock, he wrapped his feminine lips around the head and began sucking.**_

"_**Douchebag, you seem to enjoy that, it's almost like you have had ample practice on your knees before your betters." Derek smirked as he shot off his load down the Douchebag's throat. The Douchebag hastily wiped at the corners of his mouth as he stood up, adjusting his smaller than average lump in his boringly plain Dockers. **__**He looked up in utter adoration at the far more superior specimen of masculinity, waiting for Derek to once again bestow his wisdom on him.**_

"Fine, we will leave it up to Cookie, but as I am definitely the better choice, I can assure you that she will not be choosing you," _**Derek said this as he readjusted his leather pants.**_ "I think that you will find that you have other more pressing matters to attend to tonight that will force you to leave immediately, is that clear underling?"

Just as he said this to _**the Douchebag**_, Cookie came bouncing back into the room carrying two Newbloods, freshly warmed, and her own glass of sweet tea.

"_**Douchebag **_here has just remembered that he has a very important thing to get done tonight, so he will not be able to stay. Isn't that right, _**Douchebag**_?" Derek said to both Cookie and _**the Douchebag**_, pointedly looking at _**the Douchebag**_ in the process.

"What? Oh yes, the thing. Ah am sorry Ms. Crackhouse, but I must depart for the evening."

"Oh, well that's really too bad. I had thought that you might be able to finally cheer up with the help of our company. We were just going to watch The Lost Boys on DVD, but I understand that you are busy. Maybe next time." Cookie said cheerfully.

"Ah would very much like that Ms. Crackhouse. Spending time with you—when you are not eating—is somewhat enjoyable. Just don't forget to make my calls for me tomorrow. Ah really need to replace my missing Izod polo shirt." He said, already starting to sniffle as he made his way to the front door, leaving both Derek and Cookie to wonder at his attachment to outdated clothing.

"Now, where were we before we were interrupted?" Cookie asked. She was rewarded with yet another of his world famous panty dropping smiles. _**She immediately dropped her pants, once more removing her panties and handing them to Derek. He gratefully took them, stuffing them into his pocket along with the other pair she had given him earlier. He watched her with a smirk of amusement as she raised her pants, sans panties this time.**_

"I believe that you were about to insert the movie so that the screams of the young teenagers would drown out the sounds of your pleasure as I give you multiple orgasms." Derek said, waggling his eyebrows at a stunned Cookie.

"But Derek, I told you that I was a virgin. I could not possibly have sex with you, I don't even know you."

"We can change that. I would very much enjoy tasting you Cookie, in many different ways. I will be gentle with you, and you will be screaming my name before the movie is over. I can promise you that."

"But I don't even know what to do. I have never even seen a man's… well, you know, a man's _thing_ before**. **_**I have seen your bottom though, and I have to tell you that it is the most amazing bottom I have ever seen.**_"

"I will show you mine if you will show me yours, Cookie." Derek said while swiveling his hips suggestively in her direction.

"Well, I have always wanted to be with a man, but since I am a telepath, I can't stand to listen to what they are thinking about my boobs or my butt. I suppose that since I can't hear your thoughts I might be all right. Sure, why not, you are a very _**handsome, smart, and **_important vampire after all." Cookie said, gaining a satisfied smirk from Derek with her decision.

"Very well then, put the movie in and come sit next to me. I will take good care of you, Lovely." Cookie blushed at the way that particular endearment rolled off Derek's tongue, but when she turned back to face the couch her breath caught in her throat. Sitting on her couch was a now exceedingly naked Derek Southman, and oh boy, did he look good naked.

Cookie was unable to fully form a coherent sentence, instead mumbling something that sounded like the garbled words of a static-filled radio station.

"I'm sorry, Cookie. Does it bother you to see me naked here in your living room?"

"Not really, but I am kinda confused. I didn't know that we were gonna watch the movie together, um, naked."

"I like to do everything I can naked. I am a Viking _**S**_ex _**G**_od."

Cookie gulped audibly, making Derek chuckle at her innocence. But he also noticed that she never took her eyes off of his lap.

"See something you like, Cookie?" Derek smirked at her reaction, flaring his nostrils at the sudden influx of her warming scent.

"Well, I have never seen one before, but I think yours might be bigger than most."

"Yes well, it seems to do the trick." Derek said suggestively. He moved his hips slightly, causing his engorged member to sway gently, and laughed out loud at the sight of Cookie's eyes widening once again.

"Well, it is a gracious plenty, isn't it?" Cookie sighed.

Derek let out yet another loud guffaw, startling Cookie with its intensity. "A Gracious Plenty, yes, I like that. I think that I will call it that from now on, even though it makes my cock sound like it should be wrapped in a crocheted doily, not buried deep inside a woman. Yes, Gracious Plenty it is, _**I know**_ my masculinity will_** not**_ suffer at all. _**But I do think that we should keep it a 'private' matter for a while.**_" _**Derek waggled his eyebrows at the cleverness of his well hidden innuendo.**_

"Well I'm glad you like it, Derek_, __**otherwise I could call it your broadsword**_." Cookie said, but then she worriedly added, "Do you think it will all fit? Inside… you know, of me?"

"Oh yes, Cookie, I can guarantee that it will, and that you will enjoy it as well."

Cookie gasped at the confidence in his voice. All of this was new to her; it was almost too much for her to take in. Her body felt like it was slowly being consumed by the blush he had brought on with his words, not to mention the return of the tingling sensation in her rapidly moistening _**pants**_.

"Oh Cookie, I can smell your arousal. You smell so sweet. Would you allow me to touch you, Cookie?"

"_**Um, yeah**_. Should I touch you too, Derek?" Cookie said shyly, looking up at him from underneath her fluttering eyelashes.

"I would love it if you would touch me, but first, I want to see you Cookie, all of you. You are wearing entirely too many clothes for my liking right now." And with that, Derek began to seductively run his large hands under the waistline of Cookie's jeans.

Before she knew what was happening. Derek had removed her jeans, and was already kissing up the inside of her calf. She sighed, feeling little tremors of anticipation traveling from each spot his lips landed straight to her melting core. _**Here she was, about to lose her virginity to the most awesome, incredible immortal being ever! Cookie could scarcely believe it. Derek's **_kisses continued to travel upwards, stopping just short of where _**Cookie**_ instinctively knew she wanted his mouth to be. He nuzzled his nose into her inner thigh, just below her groin, and darted his tongue out to taste her flesh.

"Right here, right where I am, is one of the most erotic places for a vampire to feed. The moment I slide my fangs into the artery, you will reach a climax unrivaled by mere sex alone." Derek said seductively, all the while tracing his fingertips around her lower lips. "It just so happens to be my favorite spot. Would you mind if I were to take a little nip tonight? I promise it won't hurt you, and I don't need much; just a sip will do it."

"_**Yes, yes, yes! Derek! Oh my God! Yes!" Cookie replied **__**enthusiastically**__**.**_

His _**incredibly large, erotic **_hands were barely grazing her passion-swollen flesh, but every tantalizing bit of contact was pure torture for Cookie, who kept moving her hips, trying to entice Derek to really touch her. She wanted him to stop playing with her, she wanted him to run his fingers through her glistening folds, and to bring her the pleasure that _**she **__**knew only he could give her**_. As he trailed his fingers lightly along her slit, he ran his tongue from the spot on her thigh straight to her trembling bundle of nerves, causing Cookie to _**scream in pleasure**_ at the unexpected contact.

Within seconds, her noises became moans. _**"Oh, Derek, Derek, Derek…" **_Her hips began jerking and grinding into Derek's mouth and her hands found their way to his head. She wound her fingers in his silken hair at the same time he lifted one of his hands to place on her stomach, holding her in place.

"I will not be able to bring you too much pleasure Cookie, if you will not hold still, though I am glad that you are reacting so enthusiastically."

"Oh Derek, you have such _**an incredibly**_ talented tongue. Please don't stop_. __**I'll keep docile and still. I know you only want what is best for me. Please don't stop.**__"_

"Your wish is my command, Lovely." Derek said as he returned to his previous ministrations. He continued to lick and suck at Cookie's swollen clit, circling his tongue around it before quickly dipping it into her center, causing her to cry out once more. Derek growled upon hearing Cookie's sounds of pleasure, adding a pleasant vibration to what he was doing.

"More Derek, please… more… _**more…more…**_ugh!" Cookie moaned.

As Derek started to feel her walls tightening ever so slightly and the small tremors beginning to take over her body, he removed his tongue and inserted a finger into her dripping core. _**"Look at me Lovely," he commanded her sensuously. Cookie immediately complied and h**_e slowly began pumping it in and out of her, drawing her juices out with every pull of his finger_**. "Come for me, Cookie. Come for me."**_ He set about tonguing her clit once more, lapping at the sweet honey that surrounded his finger.

He inserted a second finger, and _**it apparently was overwhelming to the girl as he**_ was instantly rewarded with shudders racking her body. He turned his head slightly, finding the warmth of her femoral artery, and slid his fangs into her satiny skin without her ever realizing a thing. It was when he took that first pull, that first glorious mouthful that he felt her walls clamp down on his still moving fingers as he watched Cookie fall apart above him.

It was simply the most glorious sight he had ever seen. Add to that the breathy "Derek" that she had uttered on reaching her climax and the amazing taste of her blood, and Derek knew that he would never be satisfied until she belonged to him completely _**and in every way possible.**_ He decided then and there that _**the Douchebag **__**would never get a chance with Cookie. **__**Nor would any other creature Derek had the authority to banish or the might to conquer.**_

A couple of hours later, the vampire and the telepath were sitting comfortably on Cookie's well-worn couch. Both had a satisfied look on their face and neither had seen more than a second or two of the movie whose credits were currently rolling across the screen.

**

* * *

**

**AN: Hmmm. LOL. Eric likes slash. I think I may have Eric beta all my fics from now on. **

**Next Up: I have no fucking idea. **

**Thanks for reading/reviewing! **


	6. Say Hello to Piggly Wiggly, Part 1

**Disclaimer: Characters and characters-one-step-removed all belong to Charlaine Harris. **

**What? You thought we were done?**

**Warning: Slash. Highly questionable content. I question it myself but I do it anyway.**

* * *

Relaxing on her sofa with a pint of Ben and Jerry's, Sookie Stackhouse let out a sigh of contentment. It was the first moment to herself the 28-year-old barmaid had had all day.

Having arrived home from work a half hour earlier, Sookie was surprised to find herself in an empty house. Neither Sookie's roommate, Amelia Broadway, nor Pam, Sookie's friend and Amelia's sometimes galpal, were there. Welcoming the silence—Amelia was a loud broadcaster, while Sookie was a telepath—Sookie wasted no time in plopping herself down to relax with her sinfully delicious treat.

"Ah," she smiled after taking a spoonful of Magic Brownie. Taking pleasure in the peaceful solitude of her quiet house—which lately seemed to be overrun with houseguests—Sookie closed her eyes. Upon reopening them, her eyes fell upon the coffee table in front of her.

_Oh_! she thought in surprise. _Amelia left her computer out._

Leaning forward, Sookie looked at the screen.

_I'll bet this is the story they're working on!_

Pam and Amelia had recently taken to writing fictional stories that they then posted to an online writing community. Sookie had read a few of her friends' stories but generally had not found them to be _up to snuff_. Staring at the computer, she took a few more spoonfuls of her chocolate ice cream. After a moment's hesitation she decided to read the story.

"Chances are it's about me, anyway," she grumbled to herself.

A half hour later, Sookie was still leaning over the laptop, her mouth hanging open. Shocked by her friends' storytelling, Sookie was, as her Gran used to say, catching flies.

_What on earth? I don't believe those two!_ she thought. _This is the worst they've written yet! Ew! Gross! What's wrong with them? Gran would be horrified that this was being written in her house! Poor Phil! And Cookie! What the hell? Holland Tunnel? Eric's not that big! I don't understand who reads this! I get that it's wish fulfillment but who would wish for that? I'll show them. I'll 'beta' it._

With that silent vow, Sookie grabbed the laptop and pulled it onto her lap.

* * *

_**WHAT SOOKIE READ**_

Derek Southman pulled the value-sized jar of Industrial Strength Wet Warming Intimate Lube from the file drawer of his desk.

At the sound of the drawer closing, his minion looked up, a wild gleam in his eye. That look told Derek everything he needed to know.

That look held yearning.

Desire.

Lust.

Far be it for Derek Southman to disappoint.

"Take off your clothes," he said coldly.

"What?" the minion responded. Slow and dumbfounded, the minion was obviously in disbelief that his dreams were coming true that night.

"You heard me. Take off your clothes. The skinny jeans. The Grateful Dead t-shirt. Any other boring attire you may be wearing underneath them."

The desire-filled underling, long-suffering in his unrequited lust for the former Viking, made haste in meeting his Sheriff's instructions to disrobe. The Sheriff was uncharacteristically willing to share himself generously this night; his companion could not afford to wonder why. He could only respond—and respond quickly—and hope to experience all the pleasures fate would allow, given he was such a woman.

Phil Douchebag quickly shed his jeans, t-shirt and JC Penney boxers. Finally naked, Phil stood before Derek; he held his arms up in silent offering.

Disgusted, the Vampire Sheriff of Area Four grimaced.

"Gods, you're pale. So pasty and sickly-looking. Has no one ever told you this? There's something you can do for that, you know. Have you never seen 'Jersey Shore'? Would it kill you to get a tan?"

Forlorn at being found so lacking, the rejected lover could only lower his head.

"Well, don't get all upset. I'm still going to fuck you but I changed my mind about you being completely naked." _Maybe I should blindfold myself as well_, thought Derek.

Rising to his feet, Derek stretched his imposing figure. At nearly 7 feet tall, to say Derek Southman was intimidating was akin to saying the Niagara was a waterfall. As handsome as he was tall, Derek knew the response of all who encountered him was equal parts fear and desire.

That was just how Derek Southman liked it.

A smug smile formed on his lips as he noted the minion licking his own womanly lips in longing. Still grinning, Derek made his way out of his office. A few moments later he returned carrying a Peruvian guinea pig fur coat. He tossed the coat to his minion.

"Put that on," he directed the quivering former farmer.

"I brought this back for you when I came back from Peru," argued the lackey. "It was a tribute of my affection."

"Your point, Douchebag?"

Phil sighed. "Nothing, Derek. I'll wear it as you wish."

In one long stride, Derek had covered the length of the office. The slap he laid across the cheek of his minion was hard and punishing.

"What did I tell you about that?" he asked stonily.

Dejected once more, Phil Douchebag lowered his head.

"Yes, Master," he corrected himself.

"That's better." Turning, Derek kicked the office door shut. Facing his underling, he said, "Put the coat on and go around to the other side of the desk." He chuckled. "Then bend over."

"Yes, Master."

The minion wasted no time in covering up his titanium white flesh in the Peruvian guinea pig fur coat. Delighted to find that the fur tickled him in the most unlikely of places, Douchebag let out a girlish giggle as he made his way around to the other side of Derek's desk.

Derek, however, was finding himself feeling less than excited following the effeminate display of the emo environmentalist. Battling repulsion, Derek shook his head.

"You're lucky Cookie is out of town, otherwise I should never waste the time with you."

"Yes, Master," replied Phil, stretched across Derek's desk, his head hanging over the edge.

Watching the libidinous llama lover lying across the desk, Derek thanked Freyda that he remembered the fur coat. The puny, pasty Douchebag lying naked across the dark mahogany would've looked like the center median on a highway.

Now, draped in the oversized fur, he resembled roadkill.

"You know Cookie and I are married. Yes?"

"I know this, Master," grumbled Douchebag. He was not happy about the union as it was a setback to his being able to spend time with the Sheriff. The bane of Douchebag's existence as a vampire was that he could never have a sex change operation and just become the woman he was deep inside.

"As we are married, she does not wish me to have sex with others."

"Yes, Master."

"But she does understand that I must keep my underlings in line."

"Yes, Master."

"I cannot think of a better way to discipline a disrespectful minion than to impale him with my broadsword." Derek observed. "Can you?" He asked with a quirk of his eyebrow.

Standing watching his underling, Derek's eyes were unwillingly drawn to the horny horticulturalist's round, nearly translucent butt cheeks, half covered by the guinea pig fur; the Sheriff couldn't help but think how they glowed like the snow-capped hills found in the evergreen forests of his native land.

Although it didn't help much given his superior vamp eyesight, Derek nonetheless turned off the light before dropping his trousers.

Derek's intimidating broadsword hung limp, long and low like a third leg. Thick and white, with a titillating uncircumcised head, Derek's cock was a beast among cocks, even in its non-erect state. Grabbing his enormous member, Derek was pleased. He smiled with satisfaction.

While Derek had had a long time to grow accustomed to being a vampire, he remained grateful for one thing. Each day he thanked Odin that he was not just immortal but immortal _and_ incredibly well-hung.

It had really helped pass the time.

Meanwhile, Douchebag, after sneaking a peek at his Sheriff's shaft, gasped. _Oh, the length of it!_ he thought. It went on and on and on! Looking forward to imminent impalement, the minion licked his lips.

Derek heard, of course. "Yes, yes," said Derek knowingly. "Soon you will know pleasure beyond your wildest imaginings. _Min lilla slidtvättning_."

"Yes, Ah..." The guinea pig clad underling cried in desperate anticipation.

Without another word Derek strode to the back of the desk and positioned himself behind his subordinate. Phil shuddered in anticipation.

"Yes," said Derek. "Good underling. Excellent. Shall I have mercy on you and use some of this Industrial Strength lube on my industrial sized cock? Or shall I just pound you hard and let you scream like the bitch you are?"

"Ah would..."

"Silence! It was a rhetorical question! I was going to use this lube—it's new and has a warming formula and I've wanted to try it as I'm considering adding it to the bar's product line. Of course I have no need to ever use it with Cookie. However, since you don't know how to keep your cock-sucker closed, I've decided against it."

"Oh, Ah don't..." The minion groaned.

"You will learn," nodded Derek, his eyes dancing with the pleasure of being able to inflict harsh and inhuman punishment with his lethal manbits. "And you will learn now. As you can see I am big. I am often _too_ big, inflicting grave internal damage on my sex partners. That changed when I met my beloved. My Cookie's magnificent sex channel rivals the Holland Tunnel."

"Really?"

"Quiet!" Derek hissed angrily into the minion's ear. "How many times must I repeat myself?" Reaching once more into the file drawer, Derek grabbed an oversized dildo which he proceeded to stick in Douchebag's mouth. "That will teach you to be quiet."

Then Derek dropped his right hand to his as-of-yet still flaccid member.

"Do you believe it doubles in size when erect?"

Phil's eyes widened as he stared at his Sheriff's schlong.

"Don't worry,' Derek laughed. "You'll learn to love it." He placed his right hand on his dick and began to glide his palm up and down his length. Inch... by glorious inch.

"Ah," Derek sighed. "Lovely tried to name it the Gracious Plenty but I put my foot down. So we call it the Piggly Wiggly."

"_Huh_?"

"Get it? It's open all night and takes care of all your needs."

Derek continued to embrace his own manhood—as they'd been together for more than a millennium, it really was his most enduring relationship. Enraptured as it was by its master's special touch, it did not take long for Derek Junior to be ready to spring into action.

Startled by the feel of something cold and hard hitting him on the side of the head, Phil Douchebag's head popped up. Twisting his head to look, he was relieved to see it was a lead pipe. Suddenly he felt a similar thump on the other side of his head. Confident his Sheriff was just playing with him like a cat does a mouse, the subordinate, turning his head in the other direction, expected to see another lead pipe. He was, instead, startled to see a veiny, bulging uncircumcised hard and cold vampire penis.

"_Huh_!"

"Say hello to Piggly Wiggly." Derek laughed as he swayed his pelvis gently, tapping Phil's head teasingly. "This is a banker's desk, your torso barely covers its width; while you are puny by a Viking's standards, you're not a Pygmy. And yet here I stand several feet behind you, with my cock able to blow sweet cumdrops into your ear."

"_Ah_!"

"Silence!" Derek grabbed his throbbing manhood and dropped it down hard on his minion's guinea pig clad back. The Sheriff took a few steps backwards, loving the feel of the supple fur caressing his humungous harpoon. Carefully, he cradled his immense girth with both hands, fingers linked underneath its bulk as he lowered the bulbous purplish head to Phil's throbbing threshold. Since he had told his minion that he would be taught a lesson, Derek did not hesitate; he did not take the time to stretch his minion's backside. Instead Derek pushed his battering ram forcefully into the former farmer's fanny.

The underling, unable to scream due to the adult toy lodged in his throat, could only express his discomfort with loud gurgling sounds. Derek watched as his **thick and long (perhaps it was three inches?) head** disappeared into the angsty agriculturalist's ass. The Confederate veteran thrashed as Derek's magnum slid into him **another inch**. Spasmodically thrashing, the minion banged his head into his Sheriff's desk as Derek's invasion progressed yet **another inch**. Derek watched with satisfaction as **another inch** of his member continued its penetration of the recycler's reticent rectum. His underling's underside accepted **another inch** of the Viking's longship. After a few seconds, Derek leaned forward to whisper into Douchebag's ear.

"How is that, min lilla slidtvättning?"

"_Ah_."

"Half-way there."

"_Huh_?"

Just then a knock sounded at the door. It was Derek's child, Jan.

"Derek, Cookie is here."

"_What_?"

"_Hank Ga…_" The Douchbag garbled out.

"She said she cancelled her trip," his child continued. "Apparently she would miss you too much if she were away for a full day."

"Yes," the Sheriff nodded. "It had occurred to me that she might miss me too much to actually go." Derek, a pensive expression on his handsome face, considered the matter. "I must finish with this minion. Tell her I am wrapping up a phone call."

"What're you going to do with Douchebag?" Jan frowned as she watched her maker plunder the posterior of the Peruvian tourist. "And what's he wearing?"

"It's the Peruvian guinea pig fur."

"No," replied Jan impatiently. "Not that. Why are his buttocks so white? Did you put lotion on him?"

"No," replied Derek, shaking his head. "He is just especially colorless." Derek chuckled as he caressed Douchbag's glowing white buttocks. "In all ways, apparently."

"They're almost luminescent," observed Jan.

"Yes, I know," Derek nodded. "In spite of how revolting I find him overall, there is something oddly transfixing about his mancheeks."

"They remind me of the snow globes they sell in Minnesota."

"They call to mind the snow-covered hills of my homeland."

"How sweet," Jan snorted, coming out of her sentimental mood. "Anyway, you're not going to just continue _mauling those milky_ _mancheeks_, are you?"

"Jan, I have every intention of continuing to bore mercilessly into his bottom."

Demonstrating the truth of his intentions, Derek suddenly drove deep into the database programmer's derriere. In seconds, he was fully sheathed in the horticulturalist's hiney.

"_ARGH_!"

Derek, his hands caressing Douchebag's bright buttocks, began pumping furiously. "I am going to finish what I started," he grunted. "You know how…" _thrust_ "thorough" _thrust_ "I" _thrust_ "am."

"_ARGH!_"

"Yes, yes, Derek. But I can only get Cookie to look at shiny things for so long."

"_ARGH_!"

"Oh," _thrust_ "well," _thrust_ "tell" _thrust_ "her" _thrust_ "I'm" _thrust_ "on" _thrust_ "the" _thrust_ "phone" _thrust_ "with" _thrust_ "_ARGH_!"

All of sudden, with a loud battle cry, Derek's torpedo blasted into Phil's cadaverous anal crevice.

"_ARGH_!" Phil Douchebag, experiencing the most action he had in months, quickly followed suit as several cum droplets dripped from his mini-member.

Without another word, the Sheriff pulled his spear from the Southern soldier's sphincter. Derek then opened the window, lifted his underling, and dropped him onto the pavement of the rear parking lot.

"Huh?"

"That reminds me. My dildo please?" Derek held his hand out the window.

A mournful expression on his face, Douchebag—unable to stand—levitated upward in the fetal position so that the Sheriff could remove the dildo from his mouth.

"Yes," Derek smiled. "Very good, min spermieuppsamlare." Derek pulled the dildo from the Douchebag's mouth.

"Master, does this mean I don't have floor duty tonight?"

"Not at all, res docka," growled Derek. "Why would you think that?"

"Oh, I just thought—"

Derek shut the window. "Jan, send Cookie to me." He smiled. "I am feeling amorous."

"Derek, really? You want me to send Cookie in here? This room reeks of Douchebag."

"Bring me some of that cleaning agent. What is it? Mr. Quinn?"

Jan rolled her eyes like the insolent bitch she can be at times. "Yes, Derek."

A few minutes later, another knock sounded at the door.

"Derek? It's me. Cookie."

"Come in, my little one with the cavernous cum-catching chasm. I know we are fated to be together because your incredibly super-sized vagina is the only one I have yet to inflict permanent internal damage upon with the Piggly Wiggly. Min lils tunnel grenen, my soulmate"

Giggling, Cookie Crackhouse made her way into her husband's office. "Oh, honey! It smells Pine Sol fresh in here! You cleaned for me!"

"Yes, Lovely," he smiled. "I did indeed clean for your benefit."

"I believe you! 'Cos I know you never lie to me!"

"That's right! I don't!"

* * *

**AN: Geez. What can I say? More to cum? Seriously, this was too long (Ew!) and is a two parter. **

**Vulgar Translations:**

**slidtvättning- douche bag**

**res docka -cock puppet**

**spermieuppsamlare – sperm catcher**

**tunnel grenen – tunnel crotch**


	7. Say Hello to Piggly Wiggly, Part 2

**Disclaimer: Characters and characters-one-step-removed all belong to Charlaine Harris.**

**I said there was more to cum.**

* * *

**_BACK TO SOOKIE_**

Sookie, frowning, shook her head in disgust.

_Awful, just awful_, she thought. _I mean it's nice that they hate Bill so much on my account but ick. Why have the Eric character have sex with him like that? I think Derek and Phil like it a little too much. Why must they always write Cookie to be such a moron? I wouldn't be fooled by Pine Sol. Hmm…_

_I'm going to delete everything from where it starts with_ "Just then a knock sounded at the door."

* * *

_**SOOKIE's BETA'd VERSION (Mostly unchanged from Chapter 6; no dildo in Phil's mouth)**_

Derek Southman pulled the value-sized jar of Industrial Strength Wet Warming Intimate Lube from the file drawer of his desk.

At the sound of the drawer closing, his minion looked up, a wild gleam in his eye. That look told Derek everything he needed to know.

That look held yearning.

Desire.

Lust.

Far be it for Derek Southman to disappoint.

"Take off your clothes," he said coldly.

"What?" the minion responded. Slow and dumbfounded, the minion was obviously in disbelief that his dreams were coming true that night.

"You heard me. Take off your clothes. The skinny jeans. The Grateful Dead t-shirt. Any other boring attire you may be wearing underneath them."

The desire-filled underling, long-suffering in his unrequited lust for the former Viking, made haste in meeting his Sheriff's instructions to disrobe. The Sheriff was uncharacteristically willing to share himself generously this night; his companion could not afford to wonder why. He could only respond—and respond quickly—and hope to experience all the pleasures fate would allow, given he was such a woman.

Phil Douchebag quickly shed his jeans, t-shirt and JC Penney boxers. Finally naked, Phil stood before Derek; he held his arms up in silent offering.

Disgusted, the Vampire Sheriff of Area Four grimaced.

"Gods, you're pale. So pasty and sickly-looking. Has no one ever told you this? There's something you can do for that, you know. Have you never seen 'Jersey Shore'? Would it kill you to get a tan?"

Forlorn at being found so lacking, the rejected lover could only lower his head.

"Well, don't get all upset. I'm still going to fuck you but I changed my mind about you being completely naked." _Maybe I should blindfold myself as well_, thought Derek.

Rising to his feet, Derek stretched his imposing figure. At nearly 7 feet tall, to say Derek Southman was intimidating was akin to saying the Niagara was a waterfall. As handsome as he was tall, Derek knew the response of all who encountered him was equal parts fear and desire.

That was just how Derek Southman liked it.

A smug smile formed on his lips as he noted the minion licking his own womanly lips in longing. Still grinning, Derek made his way out of his office. A few moments later he returned carrying a Peruvian guinea pig fur coat. He tossed the coat to his minion.

"Put that on," he directed the quivering former farmer.

"I brought this back for you when I came back from Peru," argued the lackey. "It was a tribute of my affection."

"Your point, Douchebag?"

Phil sighed. "Nothing, Derek. I'll wear it as you wish."

In one long stride, Derek had covered the length of the office. The slap he laid across the cheek of his minion was hard and punishing.

"What did I tell you about that?" he asked stonily.

Dejected once more, Phil Douchebag lowered his head.

"Yes, Master," he corrected himself.

"That's better." Turning, Derek kicked the office door shut. Facing his underling, he said, "Put the coat on and go around to the other side of the desk." He chuckled. "Then bend over."

"Yes, Master."

The minion wasted no time in covering up his titanium white flesh in the Peruvian guinea pig fur coat. Delighted to find that the fur tickled him in the most unlikely of places, Douchebag let out a girlish giggle as he made his way around to the other side of Derek's desk.

Derek, however, was finding himself feeling less than excited following the effeminate display of the emo environmentalist. Battling repulsion, Derek shook his head.

"You're lucky Cookie is out of town, otherwise I should never waste the time with you."

"Yes, Master," replied Phil, stretched across Derek's desk, his head hanging over the edge.

Watching the libidinous llama lover lying across the desk, Derek thanked Freyda that he remembered the fur coat. The puny, pasty Douchebag lying naked across the dark mahogany would've looked like the center median on a highway.

Now, draped in the oversized fur, he resembled roadkill.

"You know Cookie and I are married. Yes?"

"I know this, Master," grumbled Douchebag. He was not happy about the union as it was a setback to his being able to spend time with the Sheriff. The bane of Douchebag's existence as a vampire was that he could never have a sex change operation and just become the woman he was deep inside.

"As we are married, she does not wish me to have sex with others."

"Yes, Master."

"But she does understand that I must keep my underlings in line."

"Yes, Master."

"I cannot think of a better way to discipline a disrespectful minion than to impale him with my broadsword." Derek observed. "Can you?" He asked with a quirk of his eyebrow.

Standing watching his underling, Derek's eyes were unwillingly drawn to the horny horticulturalist's round, nearly translucent butt cheeks, half covered by the guinea pig fur; the Sheriff couldn't help but think how they glowed like the snow-capped hills found in the evergreen forests of his native land.

Although it didn't help much given his superior vamp eyesight, Derek nonetheless turned off the light before dropping his trousers.

Derek's intimidating broadsword hung limp, long and low like a third leg. Thick and white, with a titillating uncircumcised head, Derek's cock was a beast among cocks, even in its non-erect state. Grabbing his enormous member, Derek was pleased. He smiled with satisfaction.

While Derek had had a long time to grow accustomed to being a vampire, he remained grateful for one thing. Each day he thanked Odin that he was not just immortal but immortal _and_ incredibly well-hung.

It had really helped pass the time.

Meanwhile, Douchebag, after sneaking a peek at his Sheriff's shaft, gasped. _Oh, the length of it!_ he thought. It went on and on and on! Looking forward to imminent impalement, the minion licked his lips.

Derek heard, of course. "Yes, yes," said Derek knowingly. "Soon you will know pleasure beyond your wildest imaginings. _Min lilla slidtvättning_."

"Yes, Ah..." The guinea pig clad underling cried in desperate anticipation.

Without another word Derek strode to the back of the desk and positioned himself behind his subordinate. Phil shuddered in anticipation.

"Yes," said Derek. "Good underling. Excellent. Shall I have mercy on you and use some of this Industrial Strength lube on my industrial sized cock? Or shall I just pound you hard and let you scream like the bitch you are?"

"Ah would..."

"Silence! It was a rhetorical question! I was going to use this lube—it's new and has a warming formula and I've wanted to try it as I'm considering adding it to the bar's product line. Of course I have no need to ever use it with Cookie. However, since you don't know how to keep your cock-sucker closed, I've decided against it."

"Oh, Ah don't..." The minion groaned.

"You will learn," nodded Derek, his eyes dancing with the pleasure of being able to inflict harsh and inhuman punishment with his lethal manbits. "And you will learn now. As you can see I am big. I am often _too_ big, inflicting grave internal damage on my sex partners. That changed when I met my beloved. My Cookie's magnificent sex channel rivals the Holland Tunnel."

"Really?"

"Quiet!" Derek hissed angrily into the minion's ear. "How many times must I repeat myself?"

Then Derek dropped his right hand to his as-of-yet still flaccid member.

"Do you believe it doubles in size when erect?"

Phil's eyes widened as he stared at his Sheriff's schlong.

"Don't worry,' Derek laughed. "You'll learn to love it." He placed his right hand on his dick and began to glide his palm up and down his length. Inch... by glorious inch.

"Ah," Derek sighed. "Lovely tried to name it the Gracious Plenty but I put my foot down. So we call it the Piggly Wiggly."

"_You do_?"

"Get it? It's open all night and takes care of all your needs."

Derek continued to embrace his own manhood—as they'd been together for more than a millennium, it really was his most enduring relationship. Enraptured as it was by its master's special touch, it did not take long for Derek Junior to be ready to spring into action.

Startled by the feel of something cold and hard hitting him on the side of the head, Phil Douchebag's head popped up. Twisting his head to look, he was relieved to see it was a lead pipe. Suddenly he felt a similar thump on the other side of his head. Confident his Sheriff was just playing with him like a cat does a mouse, the subordinate, turning his head in the other direction, expected to see another lead pipe. He was, instead, startled to see a veiny, bulging uncircumcised hard and cold vampire penis.

"_Oh, Master_!"

"Say hello to Piggly Wiggly." Derek laughed as he swayed his pelvis gently, tapping Phil's head teasingly. "This is a banker's desk, your torso barely covers its width; while you are puny by a Viking's standards, you're not a Pygmy. And yet here I stand several feet behind you, with my cock able to blow sweet cumdrops into your ear."

"_Ah am so happy..._"

"Silence!" Derek grabbed his throbbing manhood and dropped it down hard on his minion's guinea pig clad back. The Sheriff took a few steps backwards, loving the feel of the supple fur caressing his humungous harpoon. Carefully, he cradled his immense girth with both hands, fingers linked underneath its bulk as he lowered the bulbous purplish head to Phil's throbbing threshold. Since he had told his minion that he would be taught a lesson, Derek did not hesitate; he did not take the time to stretch his minion's backside. Instead Derek pushed his battering ram forcefully into the former farmer's fanny.

The underling, unable to scream due to the adult toy lodged in his throat, could only express his discomfort with loud gurgling sounds. Derek watched as his **thick and long (perhaps it was three inches?) head** disappeared into the angsty agriculturalist's ass. The Confederate veteran thrashed as Derek's magnum slid into him **another inch**. Spasmodically thrashing, the minion banged his head into his Sheriff's desk as Derek's invasion progressed yet **another inch**. Derek watched with satisfaction as **another inch** of his member continued its penetration of the recycler's reticent rectum. His underling's underside accepted **another inch** of the Viking's longship. After a few seconds, Derek leaned forward to whisper into Douchebag's ear.

"How is that, min lilla slidtvättning?"

"_Ah.._."

"Half-way there."

**SOOKIE's BETA'd VERSION (With changes)**

"Oh yes, Master, more!" cried Phil Douchebag.

The unexpected utterance surprised Derek, no one had ever before cried out for more when taking him with out preparation. Sensing a turning point in his long undead life, Derek slowed his thrust, allowing him to feel the tight and pulsating muscles lining the inside of his lover's hole. He was being milked, each contraction of his minions entrance sucking him in farther, each pull bringing him in further than he had ever been before.

Derek gasped slightly as he slowly came to the stunning realization that this man, this lackey might just be the one that the witch had told him about; his fated life companion. As he continued to bury himself deeper and deeper in his companion's backside, he caught himself reminiscing about the witch's prophecy.

_"When you find the one who can take you all the way into themselves, you will have found the one to complete you."_

His minion's bottom took him in farther, deeper than Cookie ever had. Perhaps he had been mistaken all along? Was it possible?

His lackey chose that moment to push back onto him, groaning in pleasure as Derek's ginormous cock reached its hilt in his ass. The groaning turned into a moans of pleasure as Derek's cock was so deep he could actually feel his companion swallowing.

Enjoying the beautiful moment of the revelation becoming clear to him, Derek closed his eyes and shivered in ecstasy.

_Who would've thought that Phil Douchebag would end up being my life partner?_

This was the last coherent thought to pass through Derek's mind as he lost himself in his newfound love.

* * *

_**BACK TO SOOKIE**_

With a satisfied smile, Sookie hit 'Save' on Amelia's keyboard.

"That'll teach them a lesson. All this ridiculousness," she sighed to herself.

Suddenly Sookie heard a car pulling up in front of the house. Glancing out the living room window, she wasn't surprised to see Pam's Lexus. Sookie watched as her roommate Amelia got out of the back seat while Eric climbed out of the passenger seat.

Happily surprised to see her honey—Sookie hadn't expected to see Eric that night—she got up and ran to the front door.

"Hey, y'all!"

"Sookie," greeted Pam.

"Hi Sook," said Amelia.

"Hmm…How's my delicious wife this evening?"

Sookie couldn't help but acknowledge that Eric had an unparalleled skill when it came to oddly erotic yet simultaneously frightening sweet nothings.

"I'm fine, baby," she wrapped her arms around him. "Where're y'all coming in from?"

Glancing at her friends, it was then that Sookie noticed the Best Buy bag Amelia was carrying.

"My laptop died." Amelia announced.

"Oh!" Confused, Sookie frowned. She knew Pam had a Dell. Her arm still encircling Eric's waist, she gazed thoughtfully at her two friends as she spoke. "If _your_ computer is broken, _whose_ MacBook is that on the coffee table?"

Suddenly there was the sound of a throat being cleared. "Mine."

Sookie swung around to look at Eric.

"Yours?"

"Yes," nodded Eric, smiling. "Did you get a chance to read my story?"

"I don't know." Incredulous, she stared at him. "You think it's shiny enough to hold my interest?"

Lifting an eyebrow, Eric grinned.

* * *

**AN: Geez. What can I say? *shakeshead* I know I've got some new author alerts recently due to my other fics so not everyone may be familiar with the Sookehverse. Well, this is it. Sorry?**

**A round of applause for my cohort-in-crime, SassyVampMama, without whom Derek Southman would still be T-rated. LOL.**

**Special recognition to my sister (yeah, RL!sister-check out her Vampire Diaries fics!), ZenKat22 whose awesome vocabulary—milky mancheeks, reticent rectum, cadaverous anal crevice, etc.—really helped make this chapter what it is: deeply disturbing **_**and**_** amusingly alliterative. LMAO.**


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